Another year, another last place finish for the United Kingdom. As Italy took the European laurels in the final with UK fans (or some of them) leaving with nothing – for the first of two occasions in the summer of 2021 – and in the process, going on to become the first nation to win both Eurovision and the men’s European Championship in the same year. But that’s enough football comparisons for now.
Furthermore, the 2022 contest will mark the 25-year anniversary of the UK’s last title, when Katrina and the Waves swept to victory, with what was, at the time, a record-breaking points total and winning margin over second place. A country that once produced pop songs of the highest standard and consistently finished in the top ten if not higher – five victories (one of which shared with three other nations), more second place finishes than any other, and second also in the all-time combined points ranking.
The statistics of more recent years, however, make for much more sombre reading. Not one point from 912 available makes James Newman’s ‘Embers’ officially the worst performing song in the contest’s history, and also by the token that it’s the contest’s first ever ‘double zero’. The only people who would perhaps be inclined to celebrate are Jemini – as their 2003 catastrophe is now not the least successful UK entry, and unlike the Scouse duo – James can’t call on the saving grace that his monitors failed, or that his nation has recently joined a war that few found to be legitimate. In the 18 years separating these respective blanks, the UK have finished in last place on a further three occasions – albeit picking up a few points along the way.
Inevitably, the usual cries of “it’s all political” and “Europe hates us” would have been heard up and down this green and pleasant land. Anyone who follows the contest closely year upon year, of course, will tell you the reality is a lot more complicated. But there’s no point in self-pitying. The most important thing, here and now, is what can be done to improve results? In this article, we examine how – not if – it can be done.
Firstly, let’s shatter the illusion that there’s some conspiracy across the continent to deny the UK winning ever again. It’s nothing to do with politics, the country’s popularity (or supposed lack of it), and certainly not Brexit (this factor has done little to hold back many of the previous winning nations). It’s also highly unlikely that all of their last placed entries were every country’s eleventh favourite song, sorry to disappoint you.
The cancellation of the 2020 contest would found some fans well as it saved the nation from another possible wooden spoon finish – although it seems likely his ballad, ‘My Last Breath’ – though too unmemorable to be a winner, would have at least picked up some points, even if not a great many. The type of song would have looked better on stage and suited a singer with his physique.
In my annual post-contest analysis with a trusted and very knowledgeable friend from the Netherlands, he described it as “mediocre, lacking in any real identity, by a lacklustre performer with barely considered staging. That’s a nul-pointer”. Long story short, it offered the contest nothing, so that’s what it received.
So, firstly, the song itself. A modern, upbeat pop song with shades of Sigala & Ella Eyre’s ‘I Came Here for Love’ (ironically the latter of whom wrote Germany’s nul pointer in 2015 – perhaps not the best of inspirations) and his brother John’s hit ‘Love Me Again’ seemed like a recipe for success. Alas, Europe disagreed.
The performer? Well, he may have an illustrious list of credits as both a song-writer and a backing vocalist for many of the world’s biggest name in popular music, but that matters little when you have three minutes to win the hearts – and more to the point, the votes – of the Eurovision audiences. The vocal performance on the night was far from strong, and in all honesty, his dancing on stage may have reminded many people of the time their Grandad got drunk at a wedding.
And finally, the staging. Let’s face it; nowadays, it’s just as much a staging contest than a song contest. Perhaps even more so, infact. The two giant trumpets were gimmicky, tacky, and somewhat cliché-tastic, and aside from that, precious little of a visual nature was left to the viewer’s imagination.
Is this, ultimately, where they are going wrong? Well, to provide further demonstration, the best result in a decade since Blue narrowly missed the top 10 was Lucie Jones’ 2017 entry, ‘Never Give up on You’. 15th overall is hardly worth getting overly excited about, but a tenth-place finish with the juries remains quite easily the most noteworthy success. There’s a reason why it performed better than many fans may have expected. Another ballad hadn’t exactly proved a winning combination in years that preceded, but spectacular staging – effectively making the song greater than the sum of its parts – helped gain points which would not likely have been achieved otherwise.
Some fellow diehard fans will tell you, however, that this argument could be countered by the victories of Austria (Conchita Wurst), Portugal (Salvador Sobral) and the Netherlands (Duncan Laurence); all of whom with ballads, combining impressive vocals with minimal staging; proving the old adage that sometimes less is more. What is also notable about all of these victories is that none of the countries had an illustrious list of recent success; as Graham Norton pointed out, “there’s hope for us all”.
The other main question on many people’s lips is the nature of the artist that should be sent. The common misconception is that a current and well-known performer is needed, but nearly all winners throughout the contest’s history have, prior to their success, been relatively unknown outside of their country or the Eurovision fan community. There’s also the issue that, unlike most competing nations where entering is the musical equivalent of an Olympic berth, in the UK – with a considerably bigger domestic music industry than most – it is considered ‘career suicide’, and thus deterring most artists.
Perhaps a band is the way forward; some may point out to the last UK victory, and more recently Maneskin’s subsequent meteoric rise to fame, though it would also be worth mentioning that, prior to the Italian phenomenon, the most recent victory for a band was by Finnish monster-rockers, Lordi – now fifteen years ago.
So, as the nation prepares for what will be the 25-year anniversary of the last victory, many Britons may have been calling for a boycott after this year’s disaster, but the better solution appears to be to go again, try harder and come back stronger. France and Switzerland – second and third overall at this year’s contest – had suffered years of disappointment and poor results, but in recent years have turned the tide with some impressive entries.
James Newman’s result may not have shone much of a light, or even lit up the room as he claimed he would, but the images of him dancing upon confirmation of his double zero (more so than in the performance, ironically) remains a heart-warming image that will live long in the memory, much like SuRie’s courage when carrying on despite the stage invasion during her performance. He made of his result: “I want to focus on the positives – I got to sing a song I wrote and love infront of billions of people”. Indeed, it wasn’t all doom and gloom; as his song went onto reach #3 on the UK Sales chart, and perhaps even more remarkably, #1 on the I-tunes chart.
The partnership with BMG – announced in September 2019 for the contest that eventually wasn’t – provided some hope that results may be moving in the right direction; though to date, it seems like little more than the latest of continuous false dawns. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they opted not to renew their partnership for 2022 and beyond. But with TaP Music taking over the reigns as of October 2021 – whose list of clients include Dua Lipa and Ellie Goulding – like Graham said, there’s hope for us all.
