So far, you’ve enjoyed (I’d like to think, or possibly endured) my articles detailing fantasy contests for Eurovision (the contest with the countries we know and love) and Inclusivision (an independent contest for states that can’t or don’t enter the main event).
As we all know, with a music industry size second in the world only to the USA, the UK could effectively stage its own contest every year. And for those of you who haven’t visited our grand old nation before, you may not be aware that, not only does it consist of four semi-autonomous nations, but there are essentially several smaller countries within each of the four. They are called counties. Don’t confuse the two; you just take away the R in the middle.
Nearly every county in England has produced a band or artist that has made the UK charts at some point since its inception in 1952. Scotland, Wales and both Irish nations have also produced numerous success stories, despite all having substantially smaller populations, and will have their own contests in the near future. For today, however, we are focusing on England.
With major shake-ups of English counties in 1974 and then again in 1997, the main issue to be resolved is which counties will be eligible to compete, and which will not. Many people do not acknowledge the existence of the current ceremonial counties – so Yorkshire and Sussex to them will always be singular counties, and the likes of Tyne & Wear, Greater London and the West Midlands – all more commonly known as metropolitan areas or conurbations – do not even exist. Realistically, however, the validity of both should be acknowledged. This means that you may not agree with all of the counties that have been included or excluded, but as always, there’s room for sensible and civil debate.
The following counties, that either are or have been official counties of England, will not be sending a participant: Bristol, City of London, Cumberland, Greater London, Humberside, Huntingdonshire, Westmorland.
To clarify a few things here, for those of you not in the know: the City of London exists only for financial purposes, and with a size of 1.12 square miles and a population of less than 10,000 – and most of them unlikely to have grown up in the area – they would not be able to send a participant. They will compete under the banner of Middlesex – as will Greater London – which is acknowledged more preferably by older locals – although the two counties’ boundaries are somewhat varied.
Cumberland and Westmorland, you are probably less likely to have heard of. Together, they make up what became Cumbria in 1974. With both counties having small populations, it is illogical for them to compete separately. Bristol, the city of my birth, will compete as part of the former Avon area (which has since been separated into South Gloucestershire, North Somerset – where I now live – and the Bath and North East Somerset council areas, along with the city itself).
Humberside, widely rejected and disliked by the majority of people from what made up the area – with Hull, Scunthorpe and Grimsby being the major settlements, it’s not as if they didn’t have enough to be bitter about already – is now Lincolnshire in what was the south, and East Yorkshire to the north (or the East Riding of Yorkshire, to give it their full, official title). Huntingdonshire, another casualty of the 1974 reforms – with St. Neots being the only vaguely sizeable town, and having produced no names of chart-scoring notability, will compete under present-day Cambridgeshire.
Anyway, enough about those counties that will not be competing. Let’s turn our attention to those who are. In particular, those that may surprise you.
The Isle of Wight qualify automatically as they became a separate county from their previous ownership by Hampshire in 1974. The Isle of Man, however – only 78 miles from the coast of mainland England, has never been an official county of any British or Irish nation, despite being somewhat central to all five. But along with the main two Channel Islands of Jersey and Guernsey, they have been given special dispensation to compete. Some will ask why the Falklands and the British Virgin Islands have not also been invited? Well, it would take them rather a long time to get here, so I doubt they’ll be too insulted by being left out, plus the Falklands don’t a have sufficient enough population to have produced any renowned artists, and the BVI will be competing in a different contest, coming soon.
The only two remaining anomalies are both “lands” – even though, ironically, both are small enough to arguably not be considered counties, let alone a land of their own! Rutland, disbanded in 1974 to the locals’ chagrin, but reinstated in 1997, and Cleveland, which went the opposite way at the same time. Rutland, incorporated into Leicestershire for this time, finally saw a band with a local connection hit the charts in that fateful year of 2020 when the Sea Girls hit #3 in the album chart. Cleveland, now incorporated into Durham and North Yorkshire, considered by many to be a “separatist state” (when your only major attraction is Middlesbrough, it’s not hard to see why both counties are somewhat reluctant in claiming ownership of the area), is even able to have a county final of its own; with Chris Rea, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown and Whitesnake all having links to the area.
The contest will be hosted by Greater Manchester, and as such they will qualify automatically for the Grand Final – with the MEN Arena in Manchester, the largest indoor venue in the country with a capacity of 21,000 – hosting all five competitive events, including the Jury Final on the Friday evening, and the Grand Final on the Saturday evening. The contest hosts will be Graham Norton and Mel Giedroyc. A bit predictable, I know, but probably the most logical choices.
Let’s now take a look at how the counties chose their representatives. Starting, perhaps most logically, in the capital city, London. Or rather in Middlesex, as explained before. Elton John was the clear winner in a 6-week MelFest style series which included entries from Busted, Spandau Ballet and Rita Ora, amongst many other household names.
Staying in the South East, focusing on the home counties now. In Essex, ‘Country House’ was victorious once again (90’s kids will know what I mean) despite competition from Depeche Mode, Ann-Marie and Olly Murs. In Oxfordshire, Radiohead were narrow victors over Supergrass and their BritPop anthem ‘Alright’ in an online only vote. Will Young saw off competition from the one and only Chesney Hawkes (see what I did there?) to qualify for Berkshire, and Wham! – Andrew taking vocals with George now absent – qualified in arguably the strongest of the finals, up against superstars such as Geri Halliwell, George Ezra, James Bay, classical singer Sarah Brightman, and 2023 Eurovision co-host Alesha Dixon.
Old rivalries abound in Surrey, as Genesis chose not to reform for the occasion but instead competed individually; Phil Collins with the bragging rights over his former bandmates Mike Rutherford (and the Mechanics), Peter Gabriel (competing as a solo artist), with Newton Faulkner, Paul Weller and the Stranglers all seen off as well. In Buckinghamshire, Chicane and Bryan Adams emerged triumphant over Marillion, while Tom Grennan was internally selected for Bedfordshire.
In the North West, Imagine was the clear winner in Merseyside, seeing off competition from Frankie Goes to Hollywood, the Zutons and Eurovision 1993 runner-up Sonia, to name but a few, and in Greater Manchester, in what effectively served as a MadChester reunion show, Noel and his latest band the High Flying Birds had little difficulty in seeing off fellow city bands (or United in some cases) James, the Courteeners, the Happy Mondays, the Smiths and the Stone Roses, in the hope of emerging victorious on home turf once again at the Manchester Arena in three months’ time.
Burnley’s Chumbawamba and their 90’s alcohol-inspired anthem ‘Tubthumping’ was victorious over Blackburn’s Blancmange and Blackpool’s Little Boots in Lancashire (as the locals will tell you, inter-town bragging rights mean everything). Meanwhile, just north in Cumbria, the Wild Beasts were internally selected, and the other side of Greater Manchester, Charlatans’ singer Tim Burgess was also internally selected for Cheshire (I’ve recently found the rest are from Walsall where I once attended University). His backing band will perform with him their classic “The Only One I Know”.
In Yorkshire, the mostly rural North county sent local heroes Shed Seven (I’m slightly biased as they’re my favourite band) with a show of their biggest hits allowing fans to vote for their favourite), while in the East Riding, the Beautiful South and their song were both internally selected. County Finals were seen at the respective arenas in Sheffield and Leeds (both were shortlisted for Eurovision 2023). In the South, the Arctic Monkeys defeated some fellow pop/rock legends; including ABC, Def Leppard, Pulp and the Human League to book their golden ticket, while in the West, the Kaiser Chiefs saw off competition from Soft Cell, Tamsin Archer and Corinne Bailey-Rae amongst others to secure their place.
Avon and Somerset, despite much of their borders crossing over, competed separately. Massive Attack were internally selected for Avon, as was their entry, but with the iconic Roman city of Bath, and my hometown of Weston-super-Mare able to define as both, local legends Racey, Portishead and the Wurzels (no, I’m not using the term legends with my tongue in my cheek, thankyou) competed alongside Reef and Goldfrapp in the Final, but none were a match for eventual winners Tears for Fears. Just over the border in Wiltshire, James Blunt was the clear winner over XTC, Jamie Cullum and Billie Piper, and just over the other border, in Gloucestershire, EMF (whose original drummer was my old favourite pub’s landlord, just saying) were internally selected.
In the two counties that can claim to be South-West (the whole WestCountry vs. South West debate is a big bone of contention round ‘errrre, moy luvverrrrrr), Devon went internal; Muse being the obvious choice, and 2003 Fame Academy winner Alex Parks won an online-/artist-only vote against Aphex Twin and Thirteen Senses, with her song chosen internally.
On the Isle of Wight – the only official county of England which is unconnected to the mainland – and despite having a population of less than 150,000 – was still able to stage a National Final. Level 42 were narrow winners over mid-00’s indie band the Bees, and more recent outrageous sensations, Wet Leg. Perhaps less surprisingly, the other islands of Jersey, Guernsey and the Isle of Man all opted for internal selections.
In Cambridgeshire, Sam Smith was victorious over Roger Waters from Pink Floyd, singing their classic ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ and Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of the sadly-departed Olivia Newton-John. Elsewhere in East Anglia, Ed Sheeran was a clear winner over the Darkness in Suffolk’s final (Justin doesn’t have the greatest of luck in national finals, as UK fans know well), and Norfolk went internal, selecting local favourite, Beth Orton.
In Sussex, the Western half opted for an internal selection, with Bognor’s the Cure staging a Final of their most popular hits, while in the East, Rag ‘n’ Bone Man was perhaps a surprise winner over the Levellers and Keane (who could’ve entered for Kent as the original three members all met at school in Tunbridge Wells). Ironically, Kent also decided to go internal – choosing Joss Stone, born in Dover but grew up in Devon – although they could have gone with Derbyshire’s representative, Lucy Spraggan, who was born in Canterbury, but grew up in Buxton. The other two South Coast counties, Dorset and Hampshire, also both went internal; with PJ Harvey and Craig David getting their respective nods.
All of the East Midlands counties – most of which being relatively sparsely-populated outside of their county towns, went for internal selections, while in the West Midlands, the county of the same name saw Duran Duran see off Slade, Black Sabbath and Ocean Colour Scene amongst others. Coventry – England’s eleventh largest city by population – was given special dispensation; artists from the city were allowed to compete in its historic county of Warwickshire – enabling the Specials to emerge victorious over the Kills and the Enemy. Shropshire, Staffordshire, Herefordshire and Worcestershire followed their Eastern neighbours in going internal – all of whom also having small populations.
In the North East, Chris Rea was internally selected in the former county of Cleveland (as explained earlier), Prefab Sprout were likewise for County Durham, and former Libertines and Babyshambles frontman Peter Docherty for Northumberland. As for Tyne and Wear – the metropolitan area featuring Newcastle (another shortlisted city), Sunderland and the surrounding towns and villages, saw Sting as a soloist with his backing band, victorious in an epic Final over Dire Straits, the Futureheads and Sam Fender.
There will be three semi-finals to accommodate all 51 competing counties. The first, on Tuesday evening, will feature 17 counties and the top 9 will qualify. The second, on Wednesday evening, will feature 17 counties and the top 9 will qualify. And the third, on Thursday evening, will feature 16 counties and the top 8 will qualify. Perhaps controversially, the same system adopted for Eurovision from 2023 will be used – with juries only involved in the final, although unlike in Eurovision, all counties will be able to vote, including those who are competing in that semi-final. Furthermore, a points system from each county will not be used – simply, the counties with the most votes will qualify, and the results not revealed until after the contest’s full completion. At least it means nobody will suffer the same fate as the poor old Piqued Jacks in Liverpool.
Below is the list of counties with their representative and song. To all intents and purposes, it is the artist with the biggest fanbase from each county, and their most successful song, although, in some instances, that is debatable. We are going to pretend, as with my previous fantasy contests, that their entries are previously unreleased. The draw was made entirely at random, but the draw for the final will be pre-determined, EBU styleeeee.
SEMI-FINAL ONE
- SURREY – Phil Collins: “Against All Odds”
- MIDDLESEX – Elton John: “Candle in the Wind”
- WEST SUSSEX – The Cure: “Friday I’m in Love”
- BEDFORDSHIRE – Tom Grennan: “Little Bit of Love”
- MERSEYSIDE – Julian Lennon & Paul McCartney: “Imagine”
- NORTHUMBERLAND – Peter Docherty: “For Lovers”
- AVON – Massive Attack: “Teardrop”
- SHROPSHIRE – T’Pau: “China in Your Hand”
- BUCKINGHAMSHIRE – Chicane ft. Bryan Adams: “Don’t Give up”
- KENT – Joss Stone: “Super Duper Love”
- EAST YORKSHIRE – Beautiful South: “A Little Time”
- CHESHIRE – Charlatans: “The Only One I Know”
- OXFORDSHIRE – Radiohead: “Creep”
- ESSEX – Blur: “Country House”
- JERSEY – Nerina Pallot: “Everybody’s Gone to War”
- WEST YORKSHIRE – Kaiser Chiefs: “Ruby”
- SUFFOLK – Ed Sheeran: “Shape of You”
In what must surely be considered the strongest of the three semi-finals, Julian deputised on vocals for his father’s classic, with Extreme guitarist (of “More than Words” fame) Nuno Bettencourt, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney playing bass, and Ringo’s son Zak on drums.
The first county going through to the Grand Final is…. West Yorkshire!
The next county going through is…. Avon!
The next county going through is…. Merseyside!
The next county going through is…. Essex!
The next county going through is…. Middlesex!
The next county going through is…. Buckinghamshire!
The next county going through is…. Surrey!
The next county going through is…. Suffolk!
And the final county going through is….
Bedfordshire!
Which means, unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to Cheshire, Jersey, Kent, Northumberland, Oxfordshire, Shropshire, West Sussex and East Yorkshire.
No major upsets, although some may have been surprised at Buckinghamshire’s qualification, with the Beautiful South eliminated despite their considerable fanbase built up over four decades, with some fans believing that “Don’t Marry Her”, “Rotterdam” or “Perfect 10” would have been a better choice. The cameo appearance of Bryan Adams appeared to make the difference. Radiohead may similarly have felt their fanbase would have carried them through, and perhaps regret not sending one of their more upbeat, catchy songs. Sorry, what? Oh, that’s right. They don’t have any.
SEMI-FINAL TWO
- DORSET – PJ Harvey: “Down by the Water”
- CAMBRIDGESHIRE – Sam Smith: “Stay with Me”
- EAST SUSSEX – Rag ‘n’ Bone Man: “Human”
- NORTH YORKSHIRE – Shed Seven: “Chasing Rainbows”
- ISLE OF WIGHT – Level 42: “Lessons in Love”
- WEST MIDLANDS – Duran Duran: “Is There Something I Should Know?”
- HAMPSHIRE – Craig David: “Fill Me In”
- LINCOLNSHIRE – Ella Henderson: “Ghost”
- HEREFORDSHIRE – Ellie Goulding: “Love Me Like You Do”
- DERBYSHIRE – Lucy Spraggan: “Last Night”
- LANCASHIRE – Chumbawamba: “Tubthumping”
- GUERNSEY – Mura Musa: “Lovesick”
- NORTHAMPTONSHIRE – Bauhaus: “She’s in Parties”
- WARWICKSHIRE – Specials: “Ghost Town”
- CLEVELAND – Chris Rea: “Road to Hell”
- NOTTINGHAMSHIRE – Jake Bugg: “Lightning Bolt”
- WORCESTERSHIRE – Cher Lloyd: “Swagger Jagger”
The second semi-final seems much less predictable than the first, with some counties relying on their representatives’ fanbase for votes, and others relying more on their song.
The first county going through to the Grand Final is…. Worcestershire!
The next county going through is…. Cambridgeshire!
The next county going through is…. East Sussex!
The next county going through is…. Herefordshire!
The next county going through is…. Lincolnshire!
The next county going through is…. Lancashire!
The next county going through is… West Midlands!
And the final county going through is….
Hampshire!
Which means, unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to Cleveland, Derbyshire, Dorset, Guernsey, Isle of Wight, Northamptonshire, Nottinghamshire, Warwickshire and North Yorkshire.
Jake Bugg was eliminated despite his six albums, but that aside, little in the way of eyebrow-raising results, with post-millennium pop artists benefiting from the public-only voting system, above most of the more alternative artists or bands. Being the devout fan of Shed Seven that I am, I was of course disappointed that they did not make it, but relatively unsurprised.
SEMI-FINAL THREE
- ISLE OF MAN – Bee Gees: “Tragedy”
- NORFOLK – Beth Orton: “She Cries Your Name”
- DURHAM – Prefab Sprout: “King of Rock and Roll”
- RUTLAND – Sea Girls: “All I Wanna Hear You Say”
- HERTFORDSHIRE – Wham!: “I’m Your Man”
- SOMERSET – Tears for Fears: “Mad World”
- CORNWALL – Alex Parks: “Maybe That’s What it Takes”
- CUMBRIA – Wild Beasts: “Wanderlust”
- TYNE & WEAR – Sting: “Every Breath You Take”
- DEVON – Muse: “Super Massive Black Hole”
- SOUTH YORKSHIRE – Arctic Monkeys: “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor”
- GLOUCESTERSHIRE – EMF: “Unbelievable”
- BERKSHIRE – Will Young: “Leave Right Now”
- LEICESTERSHIRE – Kasabian: “Fire”
- STAFFORDSHIRE – Robbie Williams: “Angels”
- WILTSHIRE – James Blunt: “You’re Beautiful”
Sting performed his song by himself – his former colleagues in the Police chose not to make the journey from America. No, I didn’t mean to say that Northumbria’s finest boys in blue chose not to make the journey from Newcastle. And no, you’ll be pleased to hear, nobody got splattered with anything during Chumbawamba’s performance (RIP John Prescott, a proper Labour boy, unlike the current crop of tyrannical, faux-Liberal clowns running the show. Well, trying to). If you know, you know.
The first county going through to the Grand Final is…. Tyne & Wear!
The next county going through is… Berkshire!
The next county going through is…. Staffordshire!
The next county going through is…. The Isle of Man!
The next county going through is…. Lincolnshire!
The next county going through is…. South Yorkshire!
The next county going through is…. Wiltshire!
The next county going through is…. Devon!
And the final county going through is…. Hertfordshire!
Which means, unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to Cornwall, Cumbria, Durham, Gloucestershire, Leicestershire, Norfolk, Rutland and Somerset (boo-hoo).
The Isle of Man became the only one of the islands to make it through, and will be the only county in the final which is, infact, not a county at all. Not an official English (or even UK) county, anyway. My favourites, Prefab Sprout, did not make it through, but again, I wasn’t hugely surprised.
Looking now to the Grand Final. My prediction is that the juries are likely to go for the artists with an older fanbase – with a slight bias towards the more alternative entries; Merseyside and Greater Manchester the most likely beneficiaries, with Duran Duran and the Bee Gees also benefiting. The public will more likely vote for their favourite artists – balancing out the fortunes of the older artists by going for Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding and Sam Smith.
There’s likely to be some local or regional bias with both sets of votes – so the Northern, Southern and Midlands counties will stick together. For example, many people from Bedfordshire now live in Buckinghamshire and vice-versa. This also means the counties with larger populations will benefit from having larger diasporas.
With this in mind, Elton John seems the obvious televote winner; given how the song became the fastest selling #1 record in 1997 (albeit for reasons we’d rather not have been necessary), and with present-day Greater London making up the majority of the former Middlesex county, the population of around eight million is an indicator of their strength in numbers.
Similarly, Wham! for Hertfordshire – fronted for this contest by bandmate Andrew Ridgeley – having given Cyprus their first fictitious Eurovision victory in the “Bigger is Better” Contest (mentioned at the top of the article), the George Michael factor – may be pivotal in substantial televote gains, although as their signature tune “Wake Me Up Before You Go” was used previously, their entry “I’m Your Man” – although almost as iconic a hit – may not score quite as well.
Anyway, below is the running order for the final:
- WEST MIDLANDS – Duran Duran: “Is There Something I Should Know?”
- BERKSHIRE – Will Young: “Leave Right Now”
- WEST YORKSHIRE – Kaiser Chiefs: “Ruby”
- ISLE OF MAN – Bee Gees: “Tragedy”
- HEREFORDSHIRE – Ellie Goulding: “Love Me Like You Do”
- LANCASHIRE – Chumbawamba: “Tubthumping”
- SOUTH YORKSHIRE – Arctic Monkeys: “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor”
- BUCKINGHAMSHIRE – Chicane ft. Bryan Adams: “Don’t Give up”
- HAMPSHIRE – Craig David: “Fill Me in”
- HERTFORDSHIRE – Wham!: “I’m Your Man”
- MIDDLESEX – Elton John: “Candle in the Wind”
- AVON – Massive Attack: “Teardrop”
- WORCESTERSHIRE – Cher Lloyd: “Swagger Jagger”
- STAFFORDSHIRE – Robbie Williams: “Angels”
- CAMBRIDGESHIRE – Sam Smith: “Stay with Me”
- TYNE & WEAR – Sting: “Every Breath You Take”
- MERSEYSIDE – Julian Lennon: “Imagine”
- LINCOLNSHIRE – Ella Henderson: “Ghost”
- ESSEX – Blur: “Country House”
- SUFFOLK – Ed Sheeran: “Shape of You”
- DEVON – Muse: “Super Massive Black Hole”
- EAST SUSSEX – Rag ‘n’ Bone Man: “Human”
- SURREY – Phil Collins: “Against All Odds”
- BEDFORDSHIRE – Tom Grennan: “Little Bit of Love”
- WILTSHIRE – James Blunt: “You’re Beautiful”
- GREATER MANCHESTER – Noel Gallagher’s High-Flying Birds: “Don’t Look Back in Anger”
Here’s a link to the “live final” if you wish to watch it. Apologies if any of the videos are now unavailable by the time you watch it (quite common):
Duran Duran got the show off to a very pink start (watch the video) with Simon Le Bon sporting his trusty harmonica. Ellie Goulding’s staging appeared to be replicating a fashion show for butterflies and snowflakes (the old-school, real kind – not your modern wokey-cokey types). Oh, what’s that? It was. Ah.
The Arctic Monkeys came equipped with Union Jacks and fireworks, while Elton John performed the Marilyn Monroe version of his song, to avoid falling foul of the anti-political rules, with photos of the great lady herself in the background. It shouldn’t do his likelihood of victory any harm, but we shall see.
Cocteau Twins front-woman Elizabeth Fraser joined Massive Attack on stage to sing her vocals, with some appropriately dark, minimal staging – proving the old adage that sometimes less is more, while moving just down the road from Bristol to Weston-super-Mare (a journey I take often), where the video of Cher Lloyd’s performance was made for the 2011 edition of the old series T4 On the Beach (I think I watched it from a friend’s rooftop that year). Sorry, I couldn’t help but namedrop my hometown once again, though of greater relevance was her performance, with the number of Diversity-esque dancers surely exceeding the 6-person-on-stage rule.
Robbie Williams spent most of his performance hugging and kissing random members of the crowd, with the arena stewards desperately trying to stop a stage invasion, while Paul and Zak kept a low presence on stage during Imagine. The countless candles on the stage apparently weren’t a health and safety issue, but then neither was Austria’s flaming piano.
Blur’s Country House saw graphics of the iconic fruit machine boxes in the background, and Ed Sheeran managed to command the stage with just his acoustic guitar – at one point using his loop-pedal, so no actual instruments! (Tom Dice, take note, that’s how you can quit your 9-5 job and conquer the world). But then, Ed’s one of the few guys who could manage that all on his own.
Tom Grennan provided some glitter of his own (silver this time), and Noel Gallagher ended the show to a rapturous reception, with the home crowd continuing the chorus of “Don’t Look Back in Anger” long after he’d finished, with Graham Norton eventually having to tell the audience: “OK, thankyou everyone, we need to move on now”. But as anyone who knows the city will tell you, the song has greater significance locally than even most other Oasis songs.
Here’s how the jury vote panned out:
After 7 rounds, the top 3 are all level on points, and after 16 rounds – almost a third of the way through – the top 3 have become a top 4 and are beginning to form their own mini-league.
At the half-way stage, Middlesex lead by 37 points, with Devon & Lancashire still on zero.
After 31 rounds – now nearly two thirds of the way through, Middlesex now lead by 70 points, and after 40 rounds, Middlesex now have a 74-point lead, and are the only county to have crossed the 300-point barrier.
With just five rounds to go, Durham give Lancashire their first point! Well, they say Northerners always look out for each other. At this stage, Middlesex’s lead is now over 100 points, and they eventually win the jury vote with 376 points (exactly the same score as Kaarija’s/Salvador’s televote total, incidentally), with an 84-point lead over second-placed Merseyside.
JURY VOTES – FINAL TABLE
1. Middlesex (376)
2. Merseyside (292)
3. Staffordshire (259)
4. Greater Manchester (222)
5. Hertfordshire (210)
6. West Midlands (204)
7. Suffolk (177)
8. Cambridgeshire (169)
9. Surrey (165)
10. Wiltshire (125)
11. Berkshire (115)
12. Essex (109)
13. West Yorkshire (90)
14. Isle of Man (79)
15. South Yorkshire (78)
16. Avon (60)
17. Buckinghamshire (52)
18. Lincolnshire (45)
19. Tyne & Wear (40)
20. Devon (30)
21. Herefordshire (27)
22. Bedfordshire (14)
23. East Sussex (12)
24. Hampshire (12)
25. Worcestershire (5)
26. Lancashire (1)
We know what happens now. The televotes have been calculated, verified and validated, and we’re now good to go.
We start with Lancashire. The public have given you… 57 points!
We continue with Worcestershire. The public have given you… 42 points!
And next is Hampshire. You have received… 68 points!
Next is East Sussex. And you are getting… 69 points!
Bedfordshire, the public have given you… 53 points!
Herefordshire, you have received… 126 points! They move into the top ten.
And now Devon. You are getting… 85 points!
Moving onto Tyne and Wear. The public have given you… 60 points!
Lincolnshire, the public have given you… 131 points! They are now eighth.
And Buckinghamshire. You have received… 62 points!
And now the former Avon. You have received… 24 points. As expected, my home county failed to score highly, even with nearby counties, and are likely to finish last in the televote, although no lower than 21st overall.
South Yorkshire. The public have given you… 136 points! They move up to fifth.
And so, we move onto the Isle of Man. You have received… 51 points.
West Yorkshire. You have received… 102 points! This pushes them up to eighth.
Essex. You are getting… 108 points! They are now fifth.
And now Berkshire. The public have given you… 29 points! This means they will narrowly avoid last place in the televote.
So, we move into the top 10 counties with the juries. Wiltshire. The public have given you… 36 points! Another ballad which, unsurprisingly, scored much more favourably from the juries.
Surrey. You are getting… 60 points! Again, same story. Not surprising. For the time being, however, it is enough to see them go fourth.
Cambridgeshire. The public have given you… pause for around ten seconds… 218 points! We have a new leader, although only by eleven points, and thus unlikely to remain there.
Suffolk. You have received, from the public vote… pause for around ten seconds… 218 points! Well, would you believe? De-ja-vu, scoring the same number as Sam just now, and now they go top! But by only 8 points, so only a wry smile from Ed.
West Midlands. You are getting, from the public… 105 points! Not enough, but top ten at least is a certainty now.
We now move into the top five. Hertfordshire next. And they have received… 118 points. Another top ten place guaranteed, but will not be winning.
Moving onto Greater Manchester (with a big cheer from the local contingent). You have received… pause for around ten seconds… 239 points! Cue, um, an even bigger cheer. Noel himself, a man not often noted for his theatrical celebrations – or even his big smiles, except at Manchester City games, of course, is up out of his seat to celebrate. Their lead is 66 points. It probably won’t be enough, but the home faithful are daring to dream.
We now get our customary four-way split screen at this stage. With Middlesex, Merseyside, Staffordshire and new leaders Greater Manchester the remaining contenders.
Staffordshire. The public have given you… pause for around ten seconds… 216 points! Noel’s bubble is immediately burst as they take a 14-point lead. And, just to rub that little bit more salt into his wounds, by none other than Robbie Williams – which would have come as welcome news to him, as he and Oasis were initially good friends, but later went onto describe Noel and his brother as “bullies”.
OK, so we have just two counties still to go. And next it’s Merseyside. You have received, from the public vote… pause for around ten seconds… 161 points! It won’t be enough for them to win, but they will finish at least in the top three.
And so, finally. It is time to find out the winner. Middlesex received 376 points from the public, and any score of exactly one hundred points or more will see them crowned champions.
Middlesex. The public have given you….
… pause for around fifteen seconds…
… 383 points!
Which means we have our winner. With a grand total of 759 points, Middlesex are the winners! Congratulations to Elton John with ‘Candle in the Wind’!!!!!
They win by a staggering 284 points. That’s by 84 points with the juries, and 144 with the televoters. Vastly greater than any Eurovision margin, making Rybak, Salvador and the Kalush Orchestra seem like mere amateurs by comparison. And whilst the nature of their success seems phenomenal, it comes as little surprise to anyone. They scored points from every single jury and televote.
Anyway, here’s the final table:
1. Middlesex (759) (+284)
2. Staffordshire (475) (+216)
3. Greater Manchester (461) (+239)
4. Merseyside (453) (+161)
5. Suffolk (395) (+218)
6. Cambridgeshire (387) (+218)
7. Hertfordshire (328) (+118)
8. West Midlands (309) (+105)
9. Surrey (220) (+60)
10. Essex (217) (+108)
11. South Yorkshire (214) (+136)
12. West Yorkshire (192) (+102)
13. Lincolnshire (176) (+131)
14. Wiltshire (161) (+36)
15. Herefordshire (153) (+126)
16. Berkshire (144) (+29)
17. Isle of Man (130) (+51)
18. Devon (115) (+85)
19. Buckinghamshire (114) (+62)
20. Tyne & Wear (100) (+60)
21. Avon (84) (+24)
22. East Sussex (81) (+69)
23. Hampshire (80) (+68)
24. Bedfordshire (67) (+53)
25. Lancashire (58) (+57)
26. Worcestershire (47) (+42)
And here’s how the televoters finished:
1. Middlesex (383)
2. Greater Manchester (239)
3. Cambridgeshire (218)
4. Suffolk (218)
5. Staffordshire (216)
6. Merseyside (161)
7. South Yorkshire (136)
8. Lincolnshire (131)
9. Herefordshire (126)
10. Hertfordshire (118)
11. Essex (108)
12. West Midlands (105)
13. West Yorkshire (102)
14. Devon (85)
15. East Sussex (69)
16. Hampshire (68)
17. Buckinghamshire (62)
18. Tyne & Wear (60)
19. Surrey (60)
20. Lancashire (57)
21. Bedfordshire (53)
22. Isle of Man (51)
23. Worcestershire (42)
24. Wiltshire (36)
25. Berkshire (29)
26. Avon (24)
And here are the results of the semi-finals (tables only; as I said earlier, the number of votes were not released, nor a points system used or calculated):
SEMI-FINAL ONE
Q – 1.Middlesex, 2.Suffolk, 3.Merseyside, 4.Surrey, 5.Essex, 6.West Yorkshire, 7.Buckinghamshire, 8.Bedfordshire, 9.Avon
NQ – 10.East Yorkshire, 11.Oxfordshire, 12.Shropshire, 13.West Sussex, 14.Kent, 15.Cheshire, 16.Northumberland, 17.Jersey
SEMI-FINAL TWO
Q – 1.Cambridegshire, 2.Herefordshire, 3.East Sussex, 4.West Midlands, 5.Lincolnshire, 6.Lancashire, 7.Worcestershire, 8.Hampshire
NQ – 9.Cleveland, 10.Nottinghamshire, 11.Warwickshire, 12.North Yorkshire, 13.Derbyshire, 14.Isle of Wight, 15.Dorset, 16.Northamptonshire, 17.Guernsey
SEMI-FINAL THREE
Q – 1.Staffordshire, 2.South Yorkshire, 3.Hertfordshire, 4.Wiltshire, 5.Devon, 6.Berkshire, 7.Tyne & Wear, 8.Isle of Man
NQ – 9.Somerset, 10.Leicestershire, 11.Gloucestershire, 12.Rutland, 13.Durham, 14.Norfolk, 15.Cornwall, 16.Cumbria
As expected, and as we see in Eurovision year upon year, the geographical voting was emphasised with the televoters – even last placed Avon scored 24 points (I hate having to bring that up again). With the likelihood of people having moved from surrounding counties – along with the considerable diaspora that Middlesex have – proving decisive factors, even if not the main contributing factor for their overwhelming victory.
And now the main question on your lips and mine (but mostly mine): will I be doing another one, as I will be with the other various contests? Well, let’s be honest; it’ll be easier said than done – many counties would have to send the same artist again as, unlike in Eurovision, you can’t just call Flo Rida, or a dentist from Turkey. Plus, do you have any idea how much time it takes to decide every single 1-12 points (it would have been much easier before Bjorkman got his filthy mitts all over the contest in 2016). But with the amount of bands or artists who were narrowly denied in the county finals and would be hungry for a second chance, the possibility can’t be discounted. I must have a lot of free time on my hands (spoiler alert: I do).
Anyway, what do you think? Would Middlesex have won so convincingly? Or may they not have won at all? Do you agree with most or all of my choices, or was there anyone I’d forgotten about? Let me know what you think in the comments, and if you aren’t liking and following my page as yet, why the hell not?! And if you’re feeling really generous, you might even consider sharing this article, or one of my others? That’s probably asking too much, but if you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Ciao for now, Eurofans, and thankyou for reading.
