Right then, as you enjoyed my fantasy Eurovision article so much (I’d like to think), I’ve decided to do equivalent contests for Africa, Asia/Oceania and the Americas.
In this article, we begin with the Americas. North and South America are separate continents, of course, but it’s much easier to combine the two – I mean, it worked so well at the 2024 Copa America (football/soccer tournament) in the USA, so why not? Oh.
South America has only ten nations (Guyana and Suriname are attached to the continent, but are considered Caribbean in cultural, sporting and socio-political terms, and French Guiana is a colonial dependency of, well, the clue is in the title).
North America – which includes the big 3 of Canada, Mexico and the USA – has produced more than enough artists to make a viable contest (indeed, a contest for all 50 American states would produce a star-studded line-up of its own, but that’s for another day).
However, even with all the various Caribbean islands able to enter a song and artist, it still makes sense to throw in some nations from down south to bring it up to standard Eurovision Final numbers.
The rules are the same as my previous Eurovision contest. Each competing artist must be either born, have lived at some point during their childhood, or have some relatively recent ancestral blood to the nation they are representing. The song that each artist submits is, to the best of my knowledge at the time, their most successful single. As before, we will pretend that their most successful song (which will be their entry) has been previously unreleased.
Some songs will exceed the maximum three-minute time limit permitted under contest rules, and will need to be shortened for their performance on the night. Countries are free to sing in whatever language they like, although most are likely to sing in English.
As there are only 26 nations competing, there will be no semi-finals, with all songs automatically invited to a Grand Final which will be held in the United Center in Chicago; with a capacity of nearly 24,000 for gigs, it’s the largest indoor venue in the US. The presenters will be Chris Rock and Ellen DeGeneres; guaranteeing us a laugh a minute, if not more. And as it’s a fictional contest, you can make your own date for it. I’m generous like that.
Before I begin in earnest, I’ll provide you with a link to my previous article where I covered the European version of the contest, so you can see what to expect. It was titled: “Bigger is Better?”
We’ll now take a look at the competing artists for each nation, the song they will be entering, in order of when they will be performing on the night.
1. TRINIDAD & TOBAGO – Billy Ocean: “When the Going Gets Tough”
Incredible to think that two islands so small have produced three major name pop stars. Nicki Minaj is the most recent contender, and perhaps would rightfully be considered favourite, but she wasn’t counting on Billy Ocean with his 1986 smash “When the Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going, to give its full title)”, who toppled her in the National Final. Haddaway – born in Port of Spain (the island’s capital city, though living most of his life in Germany and the US), is best remembered for his 90’s dance classic ‘What is Love?’, which finished a close second.
2. ARGENTINA – Jose Gonzalez: “Heartbeats”
A native of Gothenburg in Sweden, he fled along with his family during the military coup in the mid-70’s. His mesmerising acoustic beauty might seem out of place in a contest environment where mainstream pop is usually the order of the day, but one cannot help but be entranced by ‘Heartbeats’. Not a winner, but likely to score highly with the juries. Internally selected.
3. VENEZUELA – Devendra Banhart: “Feel Just Like a Child”
Another American representing his mother’s homeland, Devendra Banhart’s song is a bouncy, catchy, even if somewhat repetitive bundle of fun, light-heartedly poking fun at his self-perceived immaturity. Being of the indie-pop variety, whilst it won’t be a winner, it may surprise people, even if it has to rely on the juries and neighbouring South American countries for the extra points. Internally selected.
4. ST. KITTS & NEVIS – Corinne Bailey-Rae: “Put Your Records on”
One of many talented singer-songwriters from Leeds and West Yorkshire, she qualifies for the Caribbean Islands due to her father’s heritage. “Put Your Records on” was one of the records to be put on most in 2006 – however, such historical popularity seems unlikely to translate into a sizeable points tally at this contest. Internally selected.
5. COSTA RICA – Debi Nova: “One Rhythm”
Far from being a household name, perhaps her best-known contribution to the world of pop music was an appearance on the Black Eyed Peas’ album track “Latin Girls”. Whilst she could have sung this song solo, she instead went for her 2004 single “One Rhythm”. With no significant fanbase to rely on, but Fuego/Slo-Mo vibes in abundance, it’s difficult to predict the outcome of this sink-or-swim entry. Internally selected.
6. PERU – Beth Rowley: “So Sublime”
This probably seems like the strangest one of all, but Beth was actually born in the capital city, Lima. The name not even vaguely Spanish sounding, she spent the rest of her childhood in Bristol, and much as I hate to downplay the chances of a fellow Bristolian – although her South American compatriots may also help her out – it seems most likely that she’ll be relying on the juries for the majority of her points, which should be few and far between. Internally selected.
7. MEXICO – Carlos Santana & Rob Thomas: “Smooth”
As solo artists or with their respective bands, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas (frontman of Matchbox 20) have sold nearly 50 albums combined. That alone will not be enough, but a song which fuses mainstream indie-rock likeability with Latin American vibes, makes it likely to achieve at least a top 10 finish, and maybe even a winner. Emerged victorious in a competitive National Final which included competition from and Selena Gomez, amongst others.
8. DOMINICA – Gabrielle: “Dreams”
A unique pop-soul voice who had hits spanning the 90’s and 00’s, perhaps her most famous was the song featured on the 2001 Box Office smash Bridget Jones’ Diary, “Out of Reach”. Showcasing several of her greatest hits in a National Final, it was “Dreams” – her first UK #1 in 1993 – that came out on top. Lack of recognition across the Atlantic, however, plus a song that would be considered outdated in the popular music environment of today, means that a low placing is the likely outcome.
9. ARUBA – Boney M: “Rivers of Babylon”
2001 Eurovision co-champion, Dave Benton – the only black person to date to have ever won the contest, would have been eligible to represent the island, but with a significant lack of recognisable hits since, it’s little surprise they went with German 70’s pop group Boney M – who qualify due to Bobby, who is sadly no longer with us. Retro entries rarely score that highly, but in this instance it seems likely to do well, particularly with the juries, even if unlikely to replicate Dave’s success. Maybe they should have chosen him? He at least knows how to win a contest. Everybody knows that.
10. BRAZIL – Corona: “Rhythm of the Night”
Despite being the home of Samba music, along with 156million people, the world’s largest rainforest, and the World Cup’s most successful football team, Brazil has produced very few household names on the world’s musical stage. Death metal bands Sepultura and Il Nino could both claim to be the largest, but we doubt either were interested in competing. The honour thusly fell to Corona, who were internally selected. While the rest of the band are from Italy, singer Olga de Souza grew up in Rio de Janeiro. Their entry was one of the 90’s most iconic Euro-dance tracks, was covered in more recent times by both Bastille and Cascada, as well as being sampled by the Black Eyed Peas, and also appears to have heavily influenced Mans Zelmerlow’s 2015 Eurovision winner “Heroes”.
11. BAHAMAS – Lenny Kravitz: “Fly Away”
Despite having a distinctly European surname, Lenny Kravitz actually hails from the famous holiday islands of the Bahamas. “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” and “It Ain’t Over ‘til it’s Over” were also big hits, but instead his 1999 UK #1 single – used by car manufacturers Nissan and Peugeot for advertising campaigns – was chosen to represent the islands in a National Final of his own songs. Indie-rock songs tend not to score highly, although the juries will be more generous than the televoters.
12. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA) – Bruno Mars: “Just the Way You Are”
The phrase “embarrassment of riches” does not even come close to describe the amount of contenders from the country which ranks as the world’s fourth largest nation by size, and third by population. The only problem is, many of them – Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Kurt Cobain to name but a few, have long since left us, and many others, such as Rihanna and Jason Derulo, are of course representing other nations. This leaves the honour to Bruno Mars, who won an intense, diverse and closely fought National Final, beating off competition from stars such as Katy Perry, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. Madonna, after her whole Eurovision debacle, perhaps unsurprisingly declined an offer of participation.
13. PUERTO RICO – Ricky Martin: “Livin’ la Vida Loca”
Few artists would rank above Enrique Martin Morales (to give his full name) as icons within Latin American and LGBT circles, and while he has many hits he could call upon, his 1999 hit – number one in four countries including the UK, was always the most likely candidate. Another artist to showcase his songs in a National Final, it’s likely to gain points from all corners of both continents.
14. HAITI – Jason Derulo: “Talk Dirty”
In a tense National Final where televoters favoured him over fellow Haitian Wyclef Jean, one of the 2010’s most successful pop stars – who actually shortens his surname from Des Rouleaux – literally translating as “Rollers” from French, was eventually victorious with this single from 2013. Perhaps an outside contender, but still in with a genuine chance.
15. JAMAICA – Omi: “Cheerleader”
There can be no question as to who the most well-known artist to come out of the island is. However, Mr. Robert Nesta Marley (AKA Bob) unfortunately left us over forty years ago. So, it’s up to Omar Samuel Pasley – AKA Omi – to fill his shoes. They’re big shoes, no doubt, but as the song itself was Number One in every country it was released in, there’s every reason to believe that both juries and televoters alike will score it highly.
16. CANADA – Bryan Adams: “Everything I Do (I Do it for You)”
Once referred to by Homer Simpson as “America’s Goody Two Shoes Brother”, his nation’s neighbours from the north have produced many successful bands and singers – the obvious name in Eurovision circles is Celine Dion, but in an intense National Final, she placed second, albeit only behind the longest running song in UK history (16 weeks in 1991), with an epic ballad from an equally epic movie. “Everything I Do…” was also the signature tune from the adapted Robin Hood screenplay.
17. BARBADOS – Rihanna: “Umbrella”
Only one contender for the holiday island of around 280,000 people. And a strong contender, indeed, for the continental title. Few artists have sold more singles, and gained more fans, in the last 20 years than Rihanna. One of her many international smashes, with a catchy (and intensely irritating) ‘Ella, Ella, Ella’ hook (we still haven’t found out who Ella is, even after all these years), it has all the ingredients necessary to win, and whilst it’s far from a foregone conclusion, you’d be a fool to bet against it. It’ll come as no surprise to you that she was internally selected.
18. ST. VINCENT & THE GRENADINES – Kevin Lyttle: “Turn Me on”
One of many R&B/pop hits to have colonised the charts in 2003 – Kevin Lyttle, like most of the artists with hits as mentioned above, has long since been forgotten by most. Likely to benefit much more from the televoters than the juries, with his entry unlikely to turn many people on and make a significant impact on the scoreboard. Internally selected.
19. CUBA – Gloria Estefan: “Don’t Wanna Lose You”
A ballad – one of her less memorable, although easy on the ears, hits – it was a surprise winner in a National Final where she showcased her solo singles (hits from her former band, the Miami Sound Machine, were not included due to a lack of approval from the band). Political differences with the historically controversial island will hold the song back, although her popularity across much of South and Latin America will make up for it, even if one of her stronger singles would have been a safer bet.
20. GRENADA – Craig David: “Seven Days”
A Southampton native, who entered my English Counties Contest for Hampshire (my second most recent article, released two months ago – pardon the shameless plug), with his first UK #1 “Fill Me in”. Luckily for him, he had another #1 shortly after with this song – equally catchy with a sing-along chorus – which is likely to score steadily with both juries and public, though most likely not a winner. Qualifying through his father, he was internally selected.
21. SURINAME – CB Milton: “It’s a Loving Thing”
Whilst I’m hardly giving the song or artist a glowing review here, it makes me sad to admit the former Dutch colony is a near certainty for last place with both juries and public – it’s actually my favourite of all the entries! Discovered thanks to my lifelong obsession with buying dance complications on CD or cassette either in the 90’s or in charity shops, with an outdated and predictable 90’s dance vibe, and little in the way of fans to call upon across the Americas, it could even be the Embers of this contest. Internally selected, though with 2020/21 Dutch contestant Jeangru MacCroy the only notable compatriot (to my knowledge anyway) – another man who knows a thing or two about scoring zero – it’s barely worth noting.
22. ECUADOR – Christina Aguilera: “Genie in a Bottle”
Qualifying through her father, Christina Aguilera, now at the ripe old age of 44 (but still as beautiful as ever), will be another strong contender due to her fanbase alone. Having been performing in various capacities since her Disney debut (age 12), she’s certainly no stranger to the international spotlight, so there will be no questions asked about coping with the pressure. After a National Final where the juries and public voted on eight of her most famous hits, her debut single “Genie in a Bottle” emerged victorious.
23. DOMINICAN REPUBLIC – Roger Sanchez: “You Can’t Change Me”
You probably know him best for his 2001 UK #1 “Another Chance”. That song is not eligible, however, as the main lyrics are taken from Toto’s 1982 hit “I Won’t Hold You Back”. Thankfully, he has another chance (sorry, just had to happen) with this lesser-known single, which reached #25 here in the UK. It will struggle to reach the same heights, but should at least score some points with juries and televoters. Internally selected.
24. GUYANA – Eddy Grant: “I Don’t Wanna Dance”
Perhaps better known for “Electric Avenue” – a hit both in the 80’s and then again in 2001 upon being remixed – the Guyanese faithful were asked to vote on their favourite, and surprisingly went with this instead. May not have the same success, but his fanbase is a guarantee of a reasonable points haul.
25. PANAMA – Aloe Blacc: “I Need a Dollar”
Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins the Third, who thankfully for all of us – not least himself – goes under his stage-name Aloe Blacc, is another American who is going with his parents’ homeland. The humorous and very relatable “I Need a Dollar” made waves across the world in 2011 – which led to future success with “The Man”, an equally humorous adaptation of the Elton John classic “Your Song”, as well as several guest appearances on hits by the dear departed Aviici. Success in this contest, however, does not appear to be forthcoming. Internally selected.
26. COLOMBIA – Shakira: “Hips Don’t Lie”
Arguably the biggest pop star to have emerged from South America, and no great shock that she was internally selected – there are other contenders, though nobody anywhere near as globally successful – and it’s unlikely any of them would provide much competition. Her two decades of success has spawned classics such as “Objection”, “Wherever Whenever” and “Underneath Your Clothes”, but the Colombian people went for “Hips Don’t Lie”. Every reason to believe it will achieve a strong result.
My prediction is that Canada will win the jury vote – potentially by a substantial margin – with the televoters being markedly less generous. This could open the door to Bruno, Rihanna, Christina or Shakira for the overall win. Bringing up the rear should be CB Milton from Suriname, or Beth Rowley.
Billy opened the show with a backing choir all dressed in red. Jose continued with an accompanying band including a string section and backing singers – his performance losing none of its acoustic beauty.
Debi, perhaps strangely, went for an acoustic version of her Slo-Mo style song, with black and white lighting and minimal staging. Apparently this wasn’t against the rules, and neither was the ending of Smooth – which seemed to go on for longer than two entries while each member of their session band were given a solo. Bruno performed a shortened version of his song to allow for on-screen messages by members of the US military, with a backdrop of spectacular fireworks. Again, I’m guessing they got advance permission for this.
Ricky looked as shocked as anyone else when his performance stopped at the beginning of the second verse, with only one scantily-clad female dancer joining him on stage (presumably the ‘loca’ girl he’s banging on about). Rihanna entered to an expectedly rousing reception – starting with the chorus, the audience already singing along at this point, complete with – surprise, surprise – umbrellas above their heads.
Craig’s staging was somewhat minimal – with just ‘TS5’ floating around in the graphics behind him (any fans of his able to tell me what that’s all about? Please let me know in the comments if so). Christina and Aloe put on flashy, colourful displays, and the curtain was drawn with Shakira – joined on stage by Wyclef (unsuccessful with Haiti, but when there’s a will…) and sporting a bikini top with a skirt, guaranteeing her the straight, male vote. All five of us.
And just so you know, there’s no live performance on YouTube (that I could find, at least) of Beth Rowley’s entry, so I just had to go with her video instead. But if you want to watch the whole show for yourself, then please see below:
Here’s how the juries voted:
1. Barbados (162)
2. Jamaica (149)
3. Trinidad & Tobago (133)
4. Canada (113)
5. Colombia (104)
6. Ecuador (89)
7. Mexico (84)
8. Bahamas (73)
9. Puerto Rico (65)
10. Argentina (63)
11. Grenada (58)
12. USA (57)
13. Haiti (55)
14. Venezuela (51)
15. Aruba (47)
16. Costa Rica (34)
17. Cuba (30)
18. Guyana (30)
19. St. Kitts & Nevis (26)
20. St. Vincent & Grenadines (18)
21. Peru (14)
22. Brazil (12)
23. Dominican Republic (12)
24. Panama (11)
25. Dominica (8)
26. Suriname (0)
Rihanna seizes the initiative with the juries, but with some stiff competition, and a lead of only 13 points, it’s anything but over as yet.
With the confirmation of a valid and verified televote, we know what happens now. Here goes:
This is a nervous moment. Are we about to see another James Newman? Suriname, the public have given you…
… 5 points! A sigh of relief rings around the arena as it means nobody is going home empty-handed.
Dominica, you have received… 13 points.
Panama, you are getting… 29 points.
Dominican Republic, you have received… 33 points.
Brazil, the public have given you… 57 points. A surprisingly large televote score lands them in the top ten, for a few moments at least.
Peru, the public have given you… 8 points.
St. Vincent & Grenadines, you have received, from the public vote… 61 points. SV&G are now 8th.
St. Kitts & Nevis, the public have given you… 16 points.
Guyana, you are getting… 45 points. They move into the top ten.
Cuba, the public have given you… 91 points! With the largest televote score so far, Cuba now sit fourth.
Costa Rica, the public have given you… 42 points.
Aruba, you have received… 35 points. Aruba are now 9th.
Venezuela, you have received, from the public… 20 points.
Haiti, the public have given you… 38 points. They are now 7th.
USA, you have received, from the public vote… 75 points. In what has been a disappointing night for the contest’s most populated nation, they can now finish no higher than fourth.
Grenada, the public have given you… 76 points. They are now third.
We now move into the final ten. Starting with…
… Argentina. You have received… 16 points. They will now finish in the bottom half.
Puerto Rico, the public have given you… 71 points. They are now third.
Bahamas, the public award you… 28 points.
Narrowly crossing the hundred-point mark, the Bahamas will likely now miss out on a top ten finish.
Mexico, you have received… 97 points.
So, we have a new leader, but though they celebrate, they don’t expect to be celebrating a victory tonight.
Ecuador, the public have given you… 104 points!
And just like that, we have a new leader once again.
Colombia, the public have given you… 114 points!
Shakira becomes the first contestant to cross the 200-point barrier.
And now it’s time to see how Bryan Adams has done with the public. Canada, you have received, from the public vote…
… 23 points!!!
A gasp rings around the arena, with a vastly lower score than most people would have expected. Finishing level on points with Ricky Martin, a top ten finish is now certain for Mr. Adams, but no higher.
And now the turn of Billy Ocean. Trinidad and Tobago, the public have given you…
… 99 points!
They now lead, but it shouldn’t be enough to win. Though it does demonstrate that performing first doesn’t have to be the barrier that some assume.
Jamaica, you have received, from the public vote…
… 130 points!
Jamaica now lead. This now leaves a scenario in which jury winner Rihanna needs to score a minimum of 118 points to win.
And so, finally. Barbados. The public have given you…
…
149 points!!!
Which means she’s done it! Was it ever really in doubt? Nonetheless, the party island will still be partying even harder than usual tonight. Will they have a big enough venue to host the next contest (if there is one)? Right now, I doubt many people outside of their government officials and national broadcaster will be thinking much about that. She was joined on stage by Jay-Z for the reprisal of her winning song.
Here’s the final combined table:
1. Barbados (309)
2. Jamaica (279)
3. Trinidad & Tobago (232)
4. Colombia (218)
5. Ecuador (193)
6. Mexico (181)
7. Puerto Rico (136)
8. Canada (136)
9. Grenada (134)
10. USA (132)
11. Cuba (121)
12. Bahamas (101)
13. Haiti (93)
14. Aruba (82)
15. SV&G (79)
16. Argentina (79)
17. Costa Rica (76)
18. Guyana (75)
19. Venezuela (71)
20. Brazil (69)
21. Dominican Republic (45)
22. SK&N (42)
23. Panama (40)
24. Peru (22)
25. Dominica (21)
26. Suriname (5)
The table finished mostly as I expected, although Christina and Shakira would have possibly done better. The USA – and particularly Canada with the televoters – failed to live up to expectations, although political differences, with Caribbean islands very much sticking together, may have held both nations back.
For those of you who are wondering how it may have been different under the 2016-18 system (whereby the televote points are announced and added in order of where they finished in the public vote, unlike now whereby they are announced in order of where the juries placed them), here’s how it would have panned out:
The James Newman moment became a Manel moment with everyone breathing a sigh of relief upon the announcement of “in last place, with five points”, though they will still obviously finish last. Mexico, and then Trinidad and Tobago, both go top, but are simultaneously ruled out. Ecuador, and then Colombia, go second. And with the top two being the same as in 2017 (Salvador vs. Kristian situation), if Jamaica are announced as second, Rihanna will have won, as she finished above Omi in the televote. And guess what? Well, you already know.
And this is how the televote table finished:
1. Barbados (149)
2. Jamaica (130)
3. Colombia (114)
4. Ecuador (104)
5. Trinidad & Tobago (99)
6. Mexico (97)
7. Cuba (91
8. Grenada (76)
9. USA (75)
10. Puerto Rico (71)
11. SV&G (61)
12. Brazil (57)
13. Guyana (45)
14. Costa Rica (42)
15. Haiti (38)
16. Aruba (35)
17. Dominican Republic (33)
18. Panama (29)
19. Bahamas (28)
20. Canada (23)
21. Venezuela (20)
22. Argentina (16)
23. SK&N (16)
24. Dominica (13)
25. Peru (8)
26. Suriname (5)
As for which song I believe would win if they were all entirely new compositions, and performed by bands or artists with an already existing fanbase? Rihanna, I think would still be the favourite – with the “ella, ella, ella” tagline stuck in your heard for much longer than you would prefer (and we still don’t know who Ella is).
Undoubtedly, Hips Don’t Lie and Genie in a Bottle would be contenders, and their respective performers would engage well with the audiences. But if we’re judging by the song alone, Talk Dirty may have the edge, with Bruno Mars undoubtedly making a strong impression. And for the sake of gender equality, I’d better mention an extra male, with Livin’ la Vida Loca also a strong contender (and better still, Ricky ticks the LGBT+ box).
Well, that’s all for now. Keep an eye out for my next articles in the coming months; the remaining legs of my world tour, which will be focusing on contests in Asia/Oceania and Africa. Thankyou everyone for reading, if you haven’t already, please like and follow my page, and if you really enjoyed it, perhaps you’d even consider sharing it? Ciao for now, Eurofans.
