Greetings, Eurofans! So, normally, I start proceedings by waffling on for several hours (fear not, that’s coming shortly) – stopping intermittently for the odd terrible joke – while I describe today’s weird and wonderful fantasy contest.
This article, however, is a lot more straightforward. We often talk in the various Eurovision fan groups about who we’d like to see represent their respective countries in the annual festival of fun in May the next year.
And whilst there’s no rule saying you can only represent your own country (how else have San Marino managed to compete consistently over the last 17 years?), most people would probably agree that they’d rather not fly another nation’s flag, so let’s keep things simple, shall we?
I normally do a paragraph on each country in alphabetical order, but as this is more of a descriptive list, and not one of my daft fantasy contests, I’ve decided instead to regionalise (well, kinda). Anyway, here goes, starting with the big five.
THE BIG FIVE
My favourite song by any French artist is “Jubel” by Klingande, though obviously if they were to enter, they’d need a song which actually has some lyrics. So, instead, my choice is Strasbourg-based band Osted – whose style could be described as melodic indie, but with hints of grunge and doom in places. They would make a refreshing change from the (albeit exquisite) Franco-ballads we’re used to, though would be unlikely to end their near-50-year wait for glory.
Germany lead the way in electro-dance music; Sash! and Paul van Dyk being my favourites. But my favourite German band are one of their 80’s predecessors, Alphaville. It’s a long-shot, no doubt, but I’d love to see it happen. My super-crush as a fresh-faced 12-year-old was Italian bella Alexia – her number 10 hit (here in the UK) “Uh La La La” lit up dancefloors across the continent while France were winning the World Cup and David Beckham was being sent off as we crashed out on penalties. Alternatively, it would be great to see the Piqued Jacks try out for their home nation (they’d at least make the final, even if they didn’t score any points).
After researching into bands and artists of Catalan origin for my Inclusivision Contest that I posted about a year ago, I found myself a few new favourites including Els Amics de les Arts and Els Catarres. But since any artist representing Spain while singing in Catalan is about as likely as Flo Rida turning out for San Marino, I’m going for Madrid-based band, Zero Pressure – with shades of Evanescence, Paramore and the Cranberries (yes, Zo-hom-bay-ee, ay-ee, ay-ee). Although I think they’d be better singing in their native tongue (rather than in English, like most of their songs) as it doesn’t appear to bring out the best in the singer’s voice. Serafin Zubiri, who made history by becoming the first blind singer to compete in the contest, could make history once again if he were to become the Basque Country’s first entrant. His entries “Todo Esta es la Musica” in 1992 and “Colgado de un Sueno” in 2000 may not have set the scoreboard alight, but certainly went some way to demonstrate his vocal and piano-playing abilities.
My favourite band (not just British) are York BritPop legends Shed Seven. Hardly likely, although frontman Rik Witter would no doubt have the vocals and stage presence to excite any crowd. They could always enter for Yorkshire – a county/region with no shortage of local pride and cultural identity – if it were ever to become independent (it won’t). Being slightly more realistic, I’ve always thought we should go more down the Pride route, as it were. So, artists such as Jordan James, Amelia Lily, or we could even find ourselves unearthing new talent – an artist in the style of Rikki Withers, maybe? Lesser-known, but then so was Sam Ryder (well, that’s more the TikTok route). And conversely, everyone remembered Bonnie Tyler and Engelbert Humperdinck. More realistically, Heather Small of another of my favourite 90’s bands, M People, would be a strong choice all-round. I think it’s been at least 20 years since she had a UK chart hit, so she’d no doubt meet the threshold of Eurovision qualification.
THE NORDICS
Starting with Sweden, for whom I’m choosing Malmo/Helsingborg-based punk-pop band the Sounds. And as MelFest enthusiasts will tell you, I nearly got my wish as their stunning singer (now 45 would you believe) came third only to KAJ and Mans. Their biggest hits include “Living in America”, “Rock ‘n’ Roll and my personal favourite of theirs “Seven Days a Week”.
For Norway, I’d like to see Lene Marlin – who had international hits with “Sitting Down Here” and “Unforgivable Sinner” (number 1 for 8 weeks in her homeland). Failing that, it’d be great to see Wig Wam return, or perhaps Emmy try out for her home nation (I loved Laika Party, but it was never likely to win).
Samu Haber is a name known to fans of both the Voice and Eurovision. First and foremost, however, he’s known for being the singer/song-writer of Sunrise Avenue. Despite all their success across the continent – particularly in Germany – they’ve never had any releases, or performed a live show, here in the UK. Suffice to say, they would be my Finnish choice. Though I also loved SoftEngine’s album, and it’d be great to see them back again one day.
Denmark have produced many names we know and love. I was slightly gutted that Tim Schou missed out by the narrowest of margins last year, and would be so happy if A Friend in London (who produced my all-time favourite Eurovision entry from 2011) were to reform. Alphabeat, who had a string of hits including “Boyfriend”, “Fascination” and ”Ten Thousand Nights” in the late-00’s, would fit the bill nicely. Staffordshire native Ryan Dooley – a good friend of mine and singer/song-writer of All the Young, would also qualify as he is now based with his young family in Copenhagen, as would their friends Mansfield – everyone’s favourite Scandinavian BritPop band (presumably Grimsby, Scunthorpe and Doncaster had already been copyrighted)?
2020 is widely regarded as the year that Iceland finally won. Even if they actually didn’t. For this reason, I think we’d all agree it’d be great to see Dadi Freyr make a return. Yes, like many others, he got a second bite at the cherry in 2021, but without the momentum that “Think About Things” brought him, and a vastly less catchy (although likeable) song in “Ten Years”, it was always going to be much harder. Still, with the right song and staging, who’s to say it couldn’t be third time lucky?
Lastly, what if the Faroe Islands were to make their long-awaited debut? Well, for such a small nation (consisting of 18 islands with a total of 540 square miles), you’d be amazed at the diverse range of musical talent they have to offer. Arguably their most renowned musical export is Greta Svabo Bech – providing the vocals for Canadian DJ/producer Deadmau5 on his Grammy-nominated 2010 single “Raise Your Weapon”, and also writing “My Love” for Cher – featured on her 2013 album “Closer to the Truth”. Another popular female artist is Eivor – with a mesmerising blend of Nordic folk mixed with jazz and electro-/synth-pop – either would surely go down a storm with the right song.
Top male artists include traditional-folk singer Uni Arge – a former international footballer who scored 8 times in 37 matches for his country, and is also a journalist. If that’s not enough, his Dad is one of the country’s most renowned radio reporters and has also spent much of his life involved in domestic politics in various capacities. His Uncle is also a former MP, and his Grandad was an author and once served as Director of Utvarp Foroya – the Faroese broadcasting network. Oh, and his daughter plays handball for her country. Seems a bit nuts, but it’s kinda par for the course when your homeland has a population similar to Canterbury. Failing that, there’s always the Faroese Luke Combs – AKA Jens Marni Hansen – who could easily have a Common Linnets type impact on the contest.
As for the bands, there’s the somewhat unimaginatively named Boys In A Band – winners of the Global Battle of the Bands in 2007 – and there’s also Joe and the Sh!tboys… except they’d have to, well, you see where I’m going with this. Just YouTube them. And even more lastly (I nearly forgot) – Greenland. Also a Danish colony, though unlike the Faroes, despite having a similar population (around 55,000), it’s actually the world’s largest island. Realistically, it’d be between Julie Berthelsen – who finished second in the Danish series of Popstars in 2002 and then again in the 2019 MGP for Eurovision (not been taking lessons from Saara Aalto, have we?) – and the Small Time Giants, whose song “We are the Arctic” was the official anthem for 2016 Arctic Winter Games. Both would be excellent choices, in my opinion.
BENELUX & THE EURO 2008 CO-HOSTS
Or “the two most recent Eurovision champions”, if you prefer. Anyway, 2 Unlimited are perhaps the act you’d think of first, if asked to name someone music-related from the Netherlands. Don’t expect Ray and Anita to perform together – the pair are not currently on speaking terms – although they are both still active with separate projects. Much lesser known is stunning singer Karlijn van Dinther (search “Catch Your Fall” by DJ more info Clokx on YouTube). For possible returnees, we all know what happened to poor old Joost, but despite ruling out a return for the Netherlands this year, it’d be great to see him right the wrong, as it were. 3JS – who were never alone on stage together in 2011 despite finishing bottom of the pile – are my favourite Dutch band, although whilst we’re on the subject, it’d be great to see Mercury Rev give it a go (though I’m not sure which of those is the less realistic…)
Moving south of the border, early-00’s EDM legends Lasgo and Ian van Dahl are my favourite Belgian artists (though there is nobody called Ian involved – infact project co-founder Christophe is now carrying the whole thing by himself), but anyone connected to either of the above would be fantastic. Moving slightly south-east now, my friend Mara, who was very helpful in getting me acquainted with the local scene during my visit for their National Final earlier this year, would no doubt be able to write a worthy entry for Luxembourg. Being partial to a band, their 2025 near-missers 0.5 would no doubt do them proud, as would undoubtedly their most famous musical export, Placebo (singer Brian Molko grew up in the capital city).
And for last year’s winners Switzerland, 2009 entrants the Lovebugs would be my choice. A fixture in their domestic charts with three number one albums to their name since the mid-90’s, although they have not released a single in nearly a decade. Robert Miles was Switzerland’s most successful act in the UK charts – reaching number 2 with “Children” in 1996 – but is sadly no longer with us – losing his battle with cancer in 2017 aged just 48. Also since departed is Felix Haug of Double – best known for their number 8 UK hit – “Captain of My Heart”, although his former bandmate, Kurt Maloo, may be up for it, if we were to ask him really nicely.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you these only one contender from an Austrian perspective – although I did rather enjoy JJ’s popera-techno-ballad winner. Having met her at EuroFest (she was the featured performer at the club night held 3/4 times a year in London), Kaleen was my profile picture – me kissing her on the cheek (I asked her permission first). Both her and Norway – who finished dead last – were my favourites of the contest. Suffice to say, I wasn’t a happy bunny. Especially as I was Team Lasagna, though still happy for Nemo. The reigning champions will probably not want to send her again after finishing so (scandalously, in my opinion) low, at least not so soon after her last effort. But I’d love to see her again one day. There’s also DJ Otzi, but he’d actually have to wrote one of his own songs first – there’s also the fact that, at the peak of his heyday in the early-00’s, he began struggling with hearing loss.
THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES (THAT AREN’T THE UK)
With her older sister too popular to even be considered, the slightly less obvious name to do the rounds every year is Danni Minogue. Whilst I’d love a song in the style of her late 90’s hits “All I Wanna Do’ and “Everything I Wanted”, it still seems a long shot. Failing that, are any of Crowded House’s current line up Australian? They were my favourite band at one time. There’s also Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, but the name alone will tell you all there is to know about why he probably wouldn’t be a suitable candidate.
The Crowns became my favourite Maltese band after hearing them perform their pop-rock anthem “Mary Jane” at the 2016 National Semi-Final from which Ira Losco qualified the next day. Speaking of which, as she was my 16-year-old super-crush in 2002 – it’d be great to see her get a third chance. There’s also half-Maltese Bristolian Lauren Aqualina; offering beautiful ballads and the voice to do them justice.
Ireland have produced many of my favourite bands and singers. Much as I love history-making, twice-champion Johnny Logan, it probably wouldn’t be likely to bear fruit a third time. My favourite Irish band are Wexford lads, Cry Before Dawn. Releasing their first single since their heyday of the late 80’s and early 90’s, you do wonder if they have anything else planned. But with a style resembling 80’s legends such as Tears for Fears, Prefab Sprout and the Christians, it doesn’t seem like their bag. More realistically, the Jades (one of whom was involved in the 2005 pre-selection), or a return for 2015 contestant Molly Sterling, would be great to see.
THE BALTICS
The millennium welcomed a debut for Latvia, represented by Brainstorm – whose lead singer Reinars was a co-host in 2003 – they would be my choice. Judging by the results of a poll I once put up asking for people’s favourite Latvian contestant – winning by a landslide, leaving their only champion to date, Marie N, trailing in their wake along with many others – their return would be long overdue by many accounts.
The only one of the Baltic trio without a victory to date, Lithuania may have been denied their best shot at a victory with the cancellation of the 2020 contest (hello, this is Dadi Freyr calling), with the Roop one of the early favourites – like Dadi, his return a year later had decisively less impact. It would still be great to see him return, however. Though having achieved the ignominy of a zero on his nation’s debut, it’d be great to see dear old Ovidijus – likely to at least get something this time round due to Lithuania’s high diaspora – he’d also break Justyna’s recently-achieved record for Poland this year for the longest gap between appearances.
American singer Kerli – you probably know her – even if you don’t, as she co-wrote Demi Lovato’s international smash “Skyscraper”, would be a strong contender for her nation’s second title – she competed in Sweden’s MelFest as a 16-year-old, and then finished second to Neiokoso for her homeland a year later. Failing that, Maarja Liis-Ilus, who brought us stunning ballads in successive 90’s years, would surely do them proud once again.
THE OTHER EX-SOVIET STATES
Obviously Russia can’t enter at the moment, but when this madness ends and they’re allowed to return (let’s hope it’s soon), it’d be great to see Mumiy Troll again – if you’ve forgotten, they entered with the Garbage-/Suede-esque “Lady Alpine Blue” in 2001. There’s also comedian-cum-singer (yes, “cum” indeed. Sorry), Ksenia. I won’t give too much away, just search for her on Facebook and Instagram. You won’t be disappointed.
For Ukraine, after finishing second in Vidbir 2016 (probably for the best, most Ukrainians will agree) and with singer Julia Sanina as one of the hosts in Liverpool, the Hardkiss are certainly no strangers to the contest, and as a particular fan of their music, I would welcome them with open arms. Entering five times between them, and a televote smash on a regular basis, Zdob si Zdub or the Sunstroke Project (yes, epic sax guy etc.) may be their best bet for a well-deserved (in my opinion) first victory. But after this year’s debacle, it’ll just be great to see them back in the contest again.
Katy Melua is by far the most popular artist of Georgian origin, though the idea she’d turn out for her motherland is pretty close to crazy (sorry). Winning CITV’s Mad For It in 1999 (and thus avoiding a trip to the dreaded Dungeon of Gunge) remains her biggest accolade to date (her EBBA/ECHO awards and Brit Award nominations pale in comparison, obviously). Slightly less crazy is the idea that one of 2020’s returning alumni, Tornike Kipiani, may give it another try. Despite both of his songs being unsurprisingly regarded as forgettable by most viewers, they were both among my favourites of both years. What can I say? He’s a fellow baldie. We like to support each other.
Armenia could send 2022 breakout star Rosa Linn – I must admit, despite “Snap” being my personal favourite of the contest, I don’t think many expected her to be supporting Ed Sheeran a year later. They could also send grunge band System of a Down, or even legendary pop diva Cher (I’ll ‘believe’ that when I see it. Sorry, I’m getting very silly now). Realistically, Sirusho – who I equally loved – could gain them their first victory, having come closer than anyone.
“Running Scared” was a watershed moment – both for the contest in moving further eastwards than ever before, and in exposing some of their country’s previously unrecognised human rights issues. This being said, another victory and subsequent hosting would not be popular within much of the Eurovision community. Though I did have a rather strong soft-spot for both of the winning contestants, and it’d be nice to see either, or both, return at some point.
Belarus are currently not entering, whilst their National Broadcaster is under suspension by the EBU. But for me, if they do return, there’s only one contender. My fellow Eurofan-friends will tell you how Alyona Lanskaya is my Eurovision super-crush (just head to her Instagram if you’d like any further explanation). All joking aside, she does an excellent job with supporting younger performers in her homeland, and is regarded as a national icon by many natives. “Solayoh” never really suited her style, so in line with most of her other releases, a strong ballad would be far more suitable.
The only country to have competed in the junior contest, but not yet with the adults (apart from Wales, but they compete every year as part of the UK, obviously), Kazakhstan are regularly mentioned in Eurovision circles about a potential debut. If and when they do, Dimash Kudaibergen would be their best bet – he would surely win the juries’ hearts with a JJ/Gjon’s Tears type epic, which would suit his vocals perfectly. Out of their former JESC participants, Daneliya Tuleshova is their most likely candidate. Winning the fourth series of the Voice Kids (in Ukraine) before finishing sixth for her home nation in 2018 – and if that’s not enough, she was also a finalist on America’s Got Talent – that’s quite an impressive CV for someone who would only just be old enough to buy a pint here in the UK! In more recent times, she’s rebranded herself as Da Nel, but there’s no question that she has the credentials and pedigree to do her country proud.
THE EX-YUGOSLAV STATES
Having come so close last year, it would be great to see Marko get another bite of the cherry for Croatia, although it seems unlikely he’d have the same impact second time round, especially so soon. Plavka, the female half of the team-up with German DJ Jam & Spoon (sadly no longer with us) for their 1995 club smash “Ride in the Night”, would qualify due to her parental heritage.
For Slovenia, all female-blond-bombshell-metal-rock band, the Hellcats – who share the same name as my old college friend’s band (but are a lot prettier), would be a great choice, and it’d be great to see Joker Out return after making a great impression in Liverpool. Weird Al Yankovich would also qualify, though most of his songs wouldn’t – as you’ll know if you’re a fan – his speciality is satirical versions of famous songs.
Former country-mates, Serbia & Montenegro now. For the former, my favourite (by birth, at least, although she’s spent most of her life in the Netherlands, and now lives in London) is dark-pop artist Maya Lavelle. As for their former contestants, it’d be great to see the beauties Moje 3 return (though Nevena entered in 2019 and managed what she didn’t with her bandmates – getting through to the final), producing one of my favourite songs of each contest. And for the latter, it’d be nice to see Neoneon get the chance they deserve having been denied this year. But to be on the safe side, they’d better write a whole new song, and only play it in rehearsals until the big day.
Bosnia & Herzegovina may not have entered for nearly a decade, and have shown little sign of returning, though my friend Alen from Weston-super-Mare would be a good fit. He’s got bags of personality and a great voice. So, if anyone from the BiH media or government happens to be reading this… well, just a suggestion. If Herzegovina were to become an independent state – a-la Serbia and Montenegro in the late-00’s – their best bet would appear to be Mija Martina, the only person from the south-western region of the country to have represented them to date, in 2003 with with “Ne Brini”.
I should also perhaps dedicate a paragraph to Ava Max and Bebe Rexha – both pop divas from New York – who would both be eligible for Albania or North Macedonia. Though, I can’t see either accepting the call-up, fantastic as it would be. Kosovo have yet to make their debut, of course. But if or when they do, Rita Ora and Dua Lipa would be their best shot at a victory. More realistically, Gjon’s Tears would qualify; but would he be up for it?
EASTERN EUROPE
My friends Adam and Alex Lipinski from my home village – North Somerset’s answer to the Gallagher brothers, would be my first choice for Poland. Co-incidentally, they would also qualify for Ireland. But to demonstrate their credentials, they have supported artists such as Marc Almond (of Soft Cell fame), played at major festivals, and also wrote the theme-tune to early-2010’s Sky TV flop “the Café” – also filmed here in Weston-super-Mare.
Miya Aroyo – singer of Liverpool’s LGBT circuit favourites Ladytron – would probably be Bulgaria’s most renowned musical export. She, and/or her bandmates, would be my first choice. That being said, it would be great to see Poli Genova get another chance, though it’d need to be more “If Love Was a Crime” than “Na Inat”.
It was great to see Aiko establish a UK fanbase after (unjustly, in my opinion) failing to make the final. I’d like to think a second attempt would be successful, but my first choice for Czechia would be Leeds College of Music-formed band We are Domi (I’m convinced they named themselves after the former Leeds United defender, though I’ve still yet to ask them). They could also enter for Norway – where two current and one previous member hail from. And just to make things that little bit more complicated, singer Dominika was born in New York, and two of their other ex-members were British and Italian. Marketa Irglova, who also has Icelandic heritage and has entered into Songvakeppin, although is better-known for her 2006 duet with Frames singer Glen Hansard, would also impress many with her stunning vocals.
If their former country-mates Slovakia were to return, well, as much as I loved the Twiins, they’d need to improve on their Alicia Keys rip-off from 2011. Yet to qualify since the introduction of semi-finals, their debut in 1994 remains both their most successful entry to date, and was also my favourite that year. Tublatanka – still going after more than 40 years – would break the record for longest gap between entries (sorry once again, Justyna). Failing that, Jon Bon Jovi has Slovakian heritage, but whilst it’s always worth an ask, it’s probably living on a prayer, to say the least.
Also not currently in the contest are Hungary – who enjoyed some good results in the previous decade, but have not entered since the lockdowns. To my knowledge, the only bands with heritage to qualify are Chicago, through Peter Cetera, who also had a distinguished solo career – particularly well-known for their hits “Glory of Love” and “Hard to Say I’m Sorry”, and 90’s BritPop/shoegaze band Lush, also through their lead singer, Miki Berenyi. More likely, were they to return, Andre or Boggie would both be good bets.
We also haven’t heard from Romania in a while (becoming a pattern with Eastern Europeans, isn’t it?). Well, I’ve never made much of a secret of my love for the Cheeky Girls – my Dad, who’s a session-drummer by trade – once supported them at a gig, and fellow beauties Inna and Alexandra Stan. The latter two being of a certain popularity that they’d be unlikely to consider it, one of their former bands such as Voltaj (who appeared to borrow Tim Booth from James on stage) or the Humans, would be good to see.
THE HOT COUNTRIES
Sorry, I just couldn’t think of a more appropriate name for the countries that don’t come under any of the other geographical categories. Anyway, Black Mamba – who finished 12th in 2021 – would be my first choice for a Portuguese return, although the singer they replaced, Elisa Silva – if she can produce a ballad anything like as sweet as her 2020 entry – would surely give Portugal another good result with the juries at least. Rui da Silva – who produced the first UK number one of 2001 with “Touch Me” – could easily cook up an EDM banger.
Marina Diamandis (who previously went under her stage name Marina & the Diamonds), would be my choice for Greece. The South Wales native would undoubtedly have the style and range for an excellent all-round package that would no doubt rack up the points. Franz Ferdinand ensure both Brito-Celtic nations get a mention – singer Alex Kapranos hails from Glasgow, but is Greek on his Dad’s side.
Cyprus, who came agonisingly close in 2018 before being pipped at the post by Netta, could be represented by either of Stell Kousiounis’ original projects – with his band, the Stanleys (who also go under the name Pretty Soul for acoustic gigs), or just solo. If you don’t know who he is – yes, you’ve guessed it – he’s another of my mates from Weston-super-Mare. I know, it’s getting tedious; I’ll stop it now. Maybe. Another British-Cypriot singer – whom you’re more likely to have heard of – is Kristian Leontiou, who had a top 10 single in June 2004 with “Story of My Life”. A ballad in his style with his beautiful vocals would certainly not go amiss.
If Turkey were to return, it’d be great to see rock band Manga – second in 2010 – get a shot at going one better. Morocco entered once in 1980 – the only African country to have ever done so – Bitakat Hob’s solitary seven points from Italy putting them off ever returning. After 45 years, it seems unlikely they’d ever return, but what if Loreen decided to enter for her parents’ homeland? If she became the first performer to win the contest with different countries, she’d surely have the edge over Johnny. Just over the border, Tunisia were due to make their debut in 1977 – drawn to perform in fourth place – but later withdrew. 50 years on, much like their North African neighbours, they’ve shown little sign of trying again. If they were to, although my knowledge of Tunisian musicians is somewhat limited, RnB singer Hinda Hicks – born in Tunisia but raised in Sussex, who had two singles and one album in the UK Top 20 in the late-90’s – seems like a good bet.
Lastly, though their inclusion in this article will be frowned upon by some, the fact remains – like it or lump it – that at the time of writing, Israel are still in the contest. Demonstrating my ridiculous knowledge of late-90’s dance music here; in March 1998 Israeli duo Yez & Choopie hit number 36 in the UK charts with their Hebrew-language song “Yim”. They were my favourite Israeli act until Yael Naim hit the slightly loftier heights of number 28 in 2008 – with a song that sounds roughly like a cross between Love is Forever (Denmark 2019) and You & Me (Netherlands 2012).
Oh, actually, before I forget… If they were to be disqualified – as many would hope – then that would open the door for neighbouring Lebanon (their planned debut in 2005 never happened for this reason). We all know Mika – 2022 co-host in Turin, of course – but would he consider turning out for his birth-country? If not, there’s no shortage of talent in the country. Whilst on my Inclusivision journey (search through my previous articles – published in April last year), some of the bands/artists I discovered include IJK, Mashrou Leila and Soap Kills – whose styles range from obscurist indie to pop-rock and electronica, with a local and traditional sound.
IF THE UK WERE TO ENTER AS SEPARATE NATIONS, LIKE IN FOOTBALL
I’ll leave England out as they’re the majority nation (and most of the British acts I stated earlier are English), but for Wales – my favourites are Goldie Lookin Chain – although it’s pretty obvious to anyone who’s heard “Guns Don’t Kill People; Rappers Do” that their songs are mostly sampled from, or spoofs of, other songs; there’s also the ridiculous amount of profanity in most of their songs. So, yeah, much as I’d love it to happen, it’s kind of a non-starter. More sensible options would be fellow Newport lads Feeder, Catatonia (who’s drummer I once met at a private gig where my Uncle was the roadie – the singer was Amy Wadge who would later co-write “Space, man”), or lesser-known band the Fire Fences from Bridgend.
My musical hero (or one of them), Midge Ure OBE – of Ultravox, Band Aid and temporarily Thin Lizzy fame – hails from the Glaswegian suburb of Cambuslang (having visited a few years ago, it’s not hard to tell why he left). I briefly lived only a few miles from him in Bath (where he now lives), and some of my old friends from the area often see him in Sainsbury’s. Scottish independence is a hot-button issue north of the border, of course, but were it to ever happen, would he consider it? I doubt it, though with Glasgow being the hotbed of pop-rock talent – Travis and Del Amitri also being among my favourite bands – there’s no shortage of options. More likely, although she’s now exiled in Spain, mid-90’s diva Mary Kiani – my crush as an 11-year-old, may give it a go, particularly given her popularity within LGBT circles.
Northern Ireland, as in rugby union, compete under the Ireland banner. But as that’s an even bigger bone of contention than the whole Scottish independence issue, it’s probably best to leave it at that. From north of the border specifically, Sinead Quinn would be my first choice, although one or all of the girls from failed early-00’s girl-band Bellefire might jump at the chance, Scooch-styleee. Better give the males a mention; they include my friend Dan Donnelly – who has at one point been a member of both the Levellers and the Wonder Stuff – and Brian Kennedy, his country’s contestant in 2006. Band-wise, Ash and Snow Patrol are probably their most famous exports, and whilst I’ve enjoyed releases and live shows by both bands, 90’s legends D:Ream (New Labour, yadda yadda yadda, because things only got better when Tony Blair got in, of course). Oh, wait…
Shall I do the other islands? The Isle of Man – a crown dependency, so they belong to Blighty despite not having an MP in parliament and only being a few miles off the coast of Cumbria – are known musically for the Bee Gees if nobody else, although local band Voodoo Bandits would be my personal choice. If the Isle of Wight were also a crown dependency (or an independent country), it’d be between Wet Leg, Level 42 and my friend Ryan Inglis (who was born there, but now lives in Munich). They may be the only English county that is not connected to the mainland (independent from Hampshire as of 1974), but unlike the Isle of Man, are offiicially part of the UK.
As Cornwall is considered a nation with its own (largely Celtic) identity by many locals, they could also theoretically make a case for their own entry. If so, 00’s indie-ballad specialists Haven or 13 Senses would be my choices, though former x-factor contestant (from the same time-frame) Alex Parks seems a more likely candidate.
And how about the Channel Islands? You’re probably thinking at this point “do you ever get bored?” And the answer to that is, of course… no. Nerina Pallot – most famous for “Everybody’s Going to War” – peaking at number 14 in 2006 in the UK charts – is Jersey’s leading artist, and Mura Masa would probably be the best bet for Guernsey. I could continue now with the Chagos Islands and the Falkland Islands (I actually saw the pair play a football match once in Surrey, but that’s another story), but I think I’ve gone on enough now.
THE MICRO-STATES
Starting, alphabetically, with Andorra. They’ve only entered six times and have not been involved at all since 2009. Remarkably, during that time, despite having a population roughly the same as my hometown of Weston-super-Mare, they’ve still managed to send five different singers and one band (San Marino, take heed), all but one of whom had Andorran residency. Out of their entrants, Gisela was my favourite with Casanova (she’s the one who didn’t – from relatively-nearby Catalunya), but being a band man, it’d be great to see the Andorran Blink 182 – Anonymous, return. Although they seem to have lived up to that name in recent years, singer Niki – who now lives in the US after moving there to study at Boston University, now goes under the name Nick Gain – mixing rock with dance, and releasing his own material as a DJ and producer.
A bone of contention between Spain and the UK for over 300 years, Gibraltar have shown no sign of making their debut anytime soon, although they’ve somehow managed to cobble together a football team – competing in FIFA and UEFA for just over a decade now. That being said, native band Breed 77 – described on their Wikipedia page as blending nu-metal with flamenco and other Latin styles (hashtag random lolz) – would be eligible to enter, as would LA indie-rockers the Strokes; whose singer Julian Casablancas has heritage in the rock.
The only artist from Liechtenstein (that I’m aware of) is Al Walser, “I Can’t Live Without You” was his main hit, although he also dueted with Michael Jackson’s brother Jermaine on a previous release. Their potential debut has been mentioned in the same breaths as Kazakhstan, Kosovo and the Faroe Islands for several years now, though still no specific indication has been forthcoming from within. With a similar population to San Marino, they would probably do a similar thing, in appealing to artists from other nations.
The only micro-state to have won to date (way back in 1971), Monaco entered the fourth contest in 1959 and then withdrew as the 80’s began. Returning briefly for the expansion in the mid-00’s, Maryon and then Lise Darly both sent pleasant songs but which were unlikely to get them into the final, and then withdrew once again after 2006’s Coco Dance – probably best forgotten. With a population only marginally bigger than San Marino’s, under my own rules for this contest, I’m not actually able to choose any artist. As far as I know, they are the only country who have never sent a performer from their homeland.
U2 could claim eligibility as Bono has a holiday home in the world’s most densely-populated country (technically a principality, as Chris from Family Guy reliably informed us all). Even their football team doesn’t compete in international contests; instead as a team in the French First Division – they’ve won both domestic and European trophies on numerous occasions. That’s what I’m up against when trying to choose my favourite contestant. Or just anyone at all.
San Marino will have to make the difficult choice between Valentina Monetta and, um, oh. It was third time lucky in 2014 when her song “Maybe” – a considerable improvement on her previous two entries, which showcased her vocals in far better light – made history by taking her country through to the Grand Final for their maiden appearance. A similar, or otherwise suitable, entry could see her through once again. Returning with American Jimmie Wilson in 2017, it’s probably only a matter of time before we see her return. Another multiple entrant is Senhit – it would be great to see her, without having to rely on the saving grace of FloRida – though I’d personally prefer more of a “Standby” type song than another “Adrenalina” (or even worse, “Freaky”).
Speaking of micro-states with close Italian connections, there’s also the Vatican City. The world’s smallest independent country with an area of 0.17 square miles and a population of less than a thousand, it’s very much the City of London of European countries, in that exists purely for logistical purposes, and is entirely surrounded by its nation’s capital city (an enclave, in a word). More to the point, only internal broadcasting of a religious nature is permitted within its borders. So, unless Pope Leo XIV himself wants to put himself forward, their debut seems unlikely to be forthcoming in the near future.
That’s all of them (and then some), I think?! Anyway, enough about me. Who would you like to see represent any of the countries I’ve listed? I don’t expect you to come up with an answer for all of them (I have, but as you know, I’m mad), but feel free if there’s any artist or nation in particular, please feel free to let me know in the comments. And if you’re feeling really generous, I wouldn’t mind if you shared this on your socials. Anyway, thankyou all for reading, and until next time, ciao for now, Eurofans!
