Finally, it’s the turn of Asia and Oceania for my “Bigger is Better?” series.
Before I go any further, I’d better link you to my previous articles in the series, so you know what the heck I’m on about:
Europe – https://eurovishaun.co.uk/?page_id=40
Americas – https://eurovishaun.co.uk/?p=68
Africa – https://eurovishaun.co.uk/?p=70
As with the Americas article where, for logistical purposes, I combined the continents of North and South America into the same contest, I have done so once again with Asia and Oceania.
This obviously means a vast area will be covered – stretching as far as Jordan, Palestine and Syria in the west, and Fiji in the east. Or from South Korea in the north, to New Zealand in the south, if you prefer.
This will, of course, cause logistical issues as it stretches across 11 different time zones – making it nearly impossible to find a time which is convenient for everyone. But then, that doesn’t deter Australians from waking up on Sunday mornings in their pyjamas in the midst of their bleak mid-winter with cornflakes and coffee while the rest of us are sipping our wine or beer (or Diet Pepsi, if you’re me. Yes, I’m boring. But I’m healthy. Ish).
Asia may be the world’s largest continent both by size and population – home to over half of the world’s population, infact – but it has still produced a surprising lack of artists who have achieved international recognition across the globe. With this in mind, it makes sense to combine it with the Oceania region (more commonly known to some as Australasia), which includes the larger nations of Australia and New Zealand, but also the Pacific Islands – Fiji, Tahiti, Tonga and Samoa among those you’re likely to have heard of from rugby union tournaments, if nothing else.
With only 19 nations competing, there will be no semi-finals. The Grand Final will take place at the Philippine Arena in Bocaue, just under an hour north of the capital city, Manila. With a capacity of 55,000 – it currently stands as the world’s largest indoor arena – over twice the size of the second largest (in Belo Horizonte, Brazil). The presenters are Lee Lin-Chin – who delivered Australia’s jury points for the first three years of their participation – and BBC favourite Romesh Ranganathan; brought up in West Sussex but of Sri Lankan heritage. As for the dates? Well, it’s a fictional contest, so you can decide.
The rules are the same as my previous contests. Each competing artist must be either born, have lived at some point during their childhood, or have some relatively recent ancestral blood to the nation they are representing. The song that each artist submits is, to the best of my knowledge at the time, their most successful single. As before, we will pretend that their most successful song (which will be their entry) has been previously unreleased.
Some songs will exceed the maximum three-minute time limit permitted under contest rules, and will need to be shortened for their performance on the night. Countries are free to sing in whatever language they like, although most are likely to sing in English.
Anyway, let’s take a look at the artists who will be competing, and the nations they will be representing, in order of performance in the Grand Final.
Please be aware, before I start, the video of “Pillow Talk” (by Zayn Malik for Pakistan) is of particularly poor quality – he’s basically a little dot in the distance. Obviously a fangirl effort, but strangely it was the only one I could find that YouTube would allow me to add to the playlist. For a slightly better one, see here: https://youtu.be/A946qYtDLrE?feature=shared
Also, there’s no live performance video of Yemen’s entry, as far as I can tell, so I had to make do with just the track with the album cover. Sorry if that comes as a disappointment (I’m sure you’ll sleep OK tonight).
1. LAOS – The Naked and Famous: “Punching in a Dream”
Far from being a household name across the continent, although this song has been used on adverts for UK Channel 4 hit TV series, Hollyoaks, and was a minor hit from their album which charted across the world in 2010. It’s a We Are Domi type opener, and like the multi-national band who met in Leeds, they may struggle for points, particularly from the televoters. They actually all hail from New Zealand but qualify due to singer Aaliyah’s heritage. Internally selected.
2. SRI LANKA – Beverley Craven: “Promise Me”
Seemingly a strange appointment, she was actually born in the capital city, Colombo. She has had many singles over a career spanning more than 30 years – a feat all the more impressive considering she has fought cancer during this time. Her most famous, by some distance, was her 1993 hit “Promise Me”. An outdated ballad, and in the dreaded number two slot, she won’t be expecting to have similar success in this contest. Internally selected.
3. FIJI – Tanika Tikaram: “Good Tradition”
Another of the more surprising candidates, Tanika comes from a multi-talented family – brother Ramon has enjoyed an esteemed acting career; best known for his roles in dramas such as Dream Team and My Spy Family. “Good Tradition” was her most successful single in 1988 – peaking at #10 in the UK charts. Born in Germany but raised in Hampshire, her family having Malaysian and Fijian origins, it seems interesting that she would choose to be the only Pacific Islands representative. A bouncy, if still strangely monotone, indie tune – never known to be a successful remedy in Eurovision – it’s unlikely to score highly with juries or public. And it won’t surprise you to learn that it was internally selected.
4. BANGLADESH – Four Tops: “I’ll be There”
A cult classic of the early Motown days in the mid-late 60’s, the Four Tops qualify for the nation on the Indian subcontinent due to the paternal heritage of Abdul (who passed recently, in July 2024). Retro entries have tended to under-perform in these contests, but this could be a notable exception, although the majority of its points are likely to come from the juries. Internally selected.
5. IRAN – Darius Danesh: “Colourblind”
Tragically, as I was writing this article, Darius lost his life at the untimely age of just 41. Azeri-Iranian contestant from 2009 – Arash Labbaf – was invited to perform the song in his memory, ensuring that Iran can still compete, and hopefully achieve a good result for one of the first singers to find fame through UK series Popstars in 2001. He was a native of Glasgow but qualified due to his father’s heritage. Unlikely to win, although compassionate votes may be forthcoming, particularly from the televoters. South London indie band Turin Brakes were the only competitors in a two-horse National Final, finishing a long way behind in the combined jury and televote.
6. AUSTRALIA – Kylie Minogue: “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”
Australia’s most famous musical export – although there have been many others – she emerged victorious in a National Final which included her sister Dannii (eliminated in the first round) and pop-rock band Five Seconds of Summer. One of her many hit singles, it was probably the correct choice as, well, you just can’t get it out of your head. Which always helps when you have three minutes to impress a voting audience. Likely to do well, but more so with the juries.
7. SYRIA – Paula Abdul: “Opposites Attract”
Internally selected (hardly surprising when you’re undoubtedly the most famous pop star with Syrian heritage), “Opposites Attract” was a hit on both sides of the Atlantic in 1989. Despite the overt sexiness of both performer and song – even at the ripe old age of 62 – it’s not expected to challenge for the title, although the international disapproval of the (now deposed) Mr. Assad may be a contributing factor for this.
8. NEW ZEALAND – Lorde: “Royals”
Finishing ahead of Ladyhawke and Crowded House in an intense National Final, being a popular song from recent years will help the Kiwis in their quest for glory. Will be in the hunt, but may fall short against slightly stronger contenders.
9. PAKISTAN – Zain Malik: “Pillow Talk”
Though he actually hails from Bradford, his prior success as part of One Direction has far from deserted him since going solo; including collaborations with Sia, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift, amongst others, providing him with further success, but this was his first single. His membership of the world’s most famous boy band of recent times will help him, but that alone may not be enough to topple Olivia with the televoters. Convincing winner ahead of Nadine Shah and Rumer in their National Final.
10. LEBANON – Mika: “Grace Kelly”
A name and face that will not be unfamiliar to Eurovision fans. Born in the capital Beirut, but spent his childhood between London and Paris, he was a co-presenter at the Turin contest, and enjoyed a succession of singles between 2006 and 2009 including “Big Girls”, “Love Today” and “Happy Ending”. Perhaps unsurprisingly, in a National Final where he showcased these songs and a few others, they went with his UK number one superhit “Grace Kelly”. The uber-camp element of the song, voice, image and performance may be largely rejected by Asian televoters who would be likely to vote in a very different manner, but some points will be forthcoming.
11. INDIA – Panjabi MC: “Mundian to bach Ke”
It’s fair to say many countries are not sending songs that reflect their nation’s style of music, but one notable exception is Panjabi MC. Internally selected – which seems hard to believe, considering it has the world’s second largest population (and is expected to have the largest in less than 30 years’ time). Perhaps even harder to believe is that they had to travel all the way to Coventry to find their representative; though he represents a large South Asian community within the West Midlands. And while a traditional song is always a bold move, it will struggle against the more modern and popular entries.
12. SOUTH KOREA – PSY: “Gangnam Style”
Yes, it’s that song with that dance. Arguably the biggest worldwide hit of 2012 – you still see people doing the dance, although don’t expect them to recite the lyrics, unless they happen to be a fluent Korean speaker. A strong contender, although the televoters will be making the biggest difference. And despite having a thriving, world-renowned music scene, known as K-pop, American-born singer Amerie was his only notable competition in their National Final.
13. SINGAPORE – Kygo: “Firestone”
Kyrre Gørvell-Dahll – or Kygo for short – could legitimately represent six different nations. Born in Singapore but raised in Bergen – Norway’s second city – he also had spells in Brazil, Egypt, Japan and Kenya during his childhood. A top 10 hit across Europe in 2014 – it could score well with both juries and public, but is unlikely to win overall. Internally selected.
14. PALESTINE – DJ Khaled: “I’m the One”
Hailing from New Orleans but qualifying for the Middle Eastern state due to his parents’ emigrating before he was born, it’s a song which pilfers between R&B, pop and hip-hop. Largely non-descript and bereft of its own identity, it will not be “the one” that most people are voting for, although the catchy “oh-way-oh” chorus will help it gain a few points. Internally selected.
15. MONGOLIA – The Hu: “Gereg”
No, Pete Townshend hasn’t relocated to Mongolia and started a tribute band of sorts. Though it’s surprising how popular their unique brand of Mongolian rock has proved across Asia and much of Europe, considering the country has produced very few people of significant fame (apart from you, Genghis). The title-track from their debut album, their popularity won’t make much difference with the juries, but could easily see them shoot up Zdub-si-Zdub style. Internally selected.
16. BAHRAIN – Majid Jordan: “My Love”
The Toronto-based duo, consisting of Majid Al-Maskati and Jordan Ullman, qualify due the former hailing from the Middle-Eastern island nation, with an area smaller in square miles than most English counties. A mid-tempo entry – repetitive, yet somehow unmemorable – it should struggle to excite the crowd or light up the scoreboard to any noticeable degree. Internally selected.
17. JAPAN – Rina Sawayama: “Chosen Family”
Born in Japan, but living in London (and Cambridge for University) since the age of 5 – this duet with the legendary Elton John is arguably her best-known single. #62 on the UK download charts in 2020 – her ballad emphasising the importance of friendships is likely to be a much more of a jury success. Welsh rock band Feeder – Newport’s finest (after Goldie Lookin Chain, you knows it), were the only notable competition in their National Final, with their anthem “Buck Rogers” – qualifying due to bass player, Taka Hirose.
18. PHILIPPINES – Olivia Rodrigo: “Driver’s Licence”
The Filipino-American singer – a former favourite with viewers of the Disney Channel – would have to be considered heavy favourite, particularly with the televoters, if only for the phenomenal worldwide success of the song; including 8 weeks at number one here in the UK. Over-whelming winner of a National Final that included former Sugababe, Mutya Buena.
19. YEMEN – Norman Hassan: “The Road”
Seasoned fans of West Midlands reggae/pop legends UB40 will recognise the name – this is actually one of their songs, but one of the few that percussionist Norman sings lead vocals on. Like most of the others, he’s a Brummie born and raised, but with Welsh and Yemeni parents. Being one of the band’s less memorable, and dare I say it, mediocre songs; it could find itself placed on the scoreboard in the same place as it is in the running order. Dead last. Internally selected.
My prediction is that Olivia will win both votes, although could face some challenge from Lorde with the juries, PSY in the televote (perhaps the obvious public favourite in most contests) and potentially Kylie and Zayn breathing down her neck with both. Last place is much harder to call, with Beverley, Tanika and Norman Hassan in contention, though all likely to pick up some points.
As I did with the African contest previously, I have made the arguably controversial decision to discount countries from voting for each other if they have fought a war within the last 50 years (or thereabouts, with some room for exception). Does it always work this way in Eurovision? Perhaps not, but as we all know, citizens of Azerbaijan have been questioned by their Ministry of National Security, and that was in the televote, so woe betide any jury member that decides to vote for a nation with whom their governments aren’t on speaking terms, and in some parts of the world, tensions can run even deeper.
The Naked and Famous opened the show to rapturous applause. The Four Tops appeared in matching beige suits with light brown ties (they’re more visually appealing on stage than my description makes it sound, I should say), before Arash filled in for the since-departed Darius, playing acoustic guitar with his band – all wearing purple with similarly coloured staging (is that what being colour-blind looks like)?
Everyone’s favourite rapping feline – the Scat-Cat, from the video – made an appearance, despite Paula’s claims that he wasn’t invited. Not only that, he appeared both on the screen and the stage! This came in between the antipodean neighbours – Australia, with the “Lady in Red” – AKA Kylie – offering surprisingly little in the way of staging or visuals, and for New Zealand, Lorde standing on what appeared to be a wooden circle with a white paracetamol, covered by another, arching plank of wood.
Lively as ever, Mika performed his classic debut hit “Grace Kelly” to all-red staging, with a copious amount of smoke that even Loreen would have found to be a bit excessive. One Direction’s Zayn saw some dark but still colourful lighting accompanying him and his backing band. And for India – if the legion of female Bhangra dancers weren’t enough, a yellow car with men dancing inside, followed shortly after by stage invaders being chased by security guards and police officers (supposedly this was pre-arranged) – does that do it for you?
This, of course, left PSY with a very tough act to follow. But with the dance that made the song famous – expertly choreographed on stage, as you might have expected, including cartoon images of himself, making an appearance – they should be confident of a decent points haul, especially with the public. When he took his top off during the final chorus, he revealed himself to be in much better shape than it appeared from the song’s video. Although, less surprisingly, he was sweating just a little bit.
Kygo & Conrad performed an extended, partly orchestral version of Firestone – only bursting into life (almost literally, with on-stage fireworks and ticker tape to boot) for the final chorus. The Hu ruled the stage – with more smoke the order of the night – fused into a sea of red and gold with alternating lights. Elton was not able to join Rina on stage, so instead her session guitarist, Vixen Jamieson, assumed responsibility. But she did an excellent job of filling in, as it sounded no less beautiful.
The bookies’ favourite, Olivia Rodrigo, in a striking red dress and very dark lighting – you could just about see the pianist and violinist in the background – invoked memories of Michael Schulte with on-screen lyrics, and 3D butterflies swarming the stage. Her chances appear to have been done no harm by this performance, but will the public respond as expected?
Here’s how the juries voted:
- Philippines (169)
- New Zealand (128)
- Pakistan (107)
- Australia (99)
- Japan (79)
- South Korea (69)
- Syria (55*)
- Lebanon (55*)
- Singapore (53)
- Bangladesh (51)
- Laos (50)
- Palestine (30)
- Fiji (19)
- Iran (18)
- Bahrain (15)
- Sri Lanka (13*)
- India (13*)
- Mongolia (11)
- Yemen (9)
*Syria finish ahead of Lebanon as they scored a 12 points, whereas Lebanon didn’t get any. Sri Lanka’s highest score was six, whereas India only managed a five.
With the confirmation of a valid and verified televote, we know what happens now. Here goes:
Yemen, the public have given you… 18 points.
Mongolia, you have received… 36 points.
India, you have received, from the public… 30 points.
Sri Lanka, you got… 1 point. A large groan rings around the arena; they are now guaranteed to finish last. Romesh looks particularly disappointed as he reads their score.
Bahrain, the public gave you… 18 points.
Iran, you have received… 54 points. Some sympathy points, and they now sit in sixth place, though they are not likely to still be this high come the end.
Fiji, the public have given you… 14 points.
Palestine, you are getting… 29 points.
Laos, you have received… 45 points. They are now fifth.
Bangladesh, the public gave you… 17 points.
Singapore, you got, from the public vote… 45 points. They are now fifth.
Lebanon, the public awarded you… 72 points. Mika is now third, only a point behind New Zealand.
Syria, you are getting… 45 points.
South Korea, the public have given you…
… 102 points! They now lead by 2 points, though unlikely to win.
Japan, you have received… 48 points. They move level on points with Lebanon, in joint fourth.
Australia, the public award you…
…96 points! Kylie now leads the contest.
Pakistan, you have received, from the public vote…
…107 points! The exact same number that they got from the juries, would you believe?! And we have another new leader! But once again, I don’t think Zayn is expecting that he’ll remain there. They’re also the first country to cross the 200-point barrier.
New Zealand, the public have given you…
104 points! And guess what? They now lead.
Olivia only needs to score 64 points to win. It seems highly likely she’ll get it, but let’s find out.
The Philippines, the public have given you…
*pauses for around 15 seconds*
… 173 points!!! She wins by a whopping 110 points. And four points more with the public than she scored with the juries.
This is how it finishes:
1. Philippines (342)
2. New Zealand (232)
3. Pakistan (214)
4. Australia (195)
5. South Korea (171)
6. Japan (127)
7. Lebanon (127)
8. Syria (98*)
9. Singapore (98*)
10. Laos (95)
11. Iran (76)
12. Bangladesh (68)
13. Palestine (59)
14. Mongolia (47)
15. India (43)
16. Bahrain (33*)
17. Fiji (33*)
18. Yemen (27)
19. Sri Lanka (14)
*Bahrain finish higher overall as their televote score was higher. Syria scored 12 points twice with the televoters, Singapore only once.
For those of you who are wondering how it may have been different under the 2016-18 system (whereby the televote points are announced and added in order of where they finished in the public vote, unlike now whereby they are announced in order of where the juries placed them), here’s how it would have panned out:
With their measly one point, Sri Lanka are confirmed as finishing last immediately. Little else to report until Iran – who finished 14th with the juries – shoots up, as expected due to the recent passing of Darius. Australia go top but are simultaneously ruled out of contention soon after, South Korea go second, New Zealand then overtake both but are now also out. Leaving the somewhat predictable scenario whereby if Pakistan is announced as second in the televote, Olivia will have won as, of course, she had won the jury vote. Emphasising, once again, why (in my opinion) they did the right thing in 2019 by changing to the system we currently have.
And this is how the televote table finished:
1. Philippines (173)
2. Pakistan (107)
3. New Zealand (104)
4. South Korea (102)
5. Australia (96)
6. Lebanon (72)
7. Iran (58)
8. Japan (48)
9. Laos (45)
10. Singapore (45)
11. Syria (43)
12. Mongolia (36)
13. India (30)
14. Palestine (29)
15. Yemen (18*)
16. Bahrain (18*)
17. Bangladesh (17)
18. Fiji (14)
19. Sri Lanka (1)
*Yemen scored an 8 from the public, Bahrain’s highest score was 6.
As for which song I think would have won if the same songs were sung by lesser-known artists, as in Eurovision most years? Well, the obvious reason as to why Olivia won is because the song was a massive hit across the world. This being said, while I personally found it very boring, it does demonstrate that it would at least be among the favourites, along with Lorde and Zayn. My personal prediction, however, is that we’d have a Loreen vs. Kaarija type situation – with Kylie being the juries’ favourite, but PSY romping the televote. Mika would also prove popular with both – could he sneak through the back door, Duncan or Jamala style?
So, this concludes my world tour of international artists and contests (for now). Will I be doing another one for some or all of the continents? Or possibly a World Contest for some of the highest-ranking songs and nations in each of the respective regions? You may well be in luck. But we’ll have to see.
What do you think? Have I got the right winner, and have I forgotten anyone? Please let me know in the comments, and while you’re at it, if you haven’t liked, followed etc. – then why the hell not?! Also, would it be asking too much if you could perhaps share this with some of your Eurovision-loving friends who may be interested?
Anyway, thankyou all for reading, and as ever, I hope you’ve enjoyed it. Ciao for now, Eurofans.
